Get To The Chooper!!!!

  By I. Alexander Nash

   Short review this week for an even shorter movie.  I've put up with a lot of shit in my life from a lot of different people, with Ray Dennis Steckler being one of them.  Man I'll swallow some of the bitterest medicine in the world, if you just sprinkle enough gorillas and Rat Pfink's on top of it.  Hell, I'll even sit through Arch Hall J.R. 's McDonald's burger wrapper greasy face if there's 3 minutes of great ice skating in it.  The one thing I will not tolerate from Mr. Steckler is a sneaker wearing, hoodie sporting and knife welding psychopath that is NOT Cash Flagg!  This guy wishes he had the amazing presence that was Cash Flagg.

The Man, the myth, the Legend Mr. Cash Flagg

   Blood Shack was a movie made by Steckler under one of his better pseudonyms Wolfgang Schmidt.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but that sounds kinda like a Jewish werewolf movie, and that my friend sounds badass.  I mean think of a Nazi killing, Talmud saying, angry Jewish werewolf movie.  Bruno Mattei would jump all over that shit...wait, he's dead.  Well I guess Uwe Boll will have to do that one too.  I'm pretty sure he's raided the Filmirage script vaults at some point.  By every indication of the posters and artwork I've seen from this film we are in for a zombie faced machete maniac...or maybe just a really big Cash Flagg fan.

Choose your misery.  I added all of these so you know what to avoid

   The film, and I use that term loosely, is about an old Indian legend of The Chooper. Hhhmm.  The Chooper?  Not really sounding very scary.  And for that matter what the fuck is a Chooper?  Now, this being a horror film I'm ready, willing and prepared to watch a Chopper or maybe even a Chipper (as long as it's not a Woodchipper Massacre mmmeeehh) but not particularly a Chooper.  Sounds like a long lost and probably incredibly racist, Disney cartoon.  The, ahem, Chopper haunts a run down "house" in the middle of no where.  The only thing that appears to be in this town are three houses, a drunk fucker who warns you about the Chooper, two kids, and one big fat llloooonnnngggg rodeo.

White knuckle action from Blood Shack.

    In the beginning we have a random girl getting dropped off at the house on what I believe to be a dare.  She isn't scared of The Chooper; who would be as he appears to be your local emo kid with a "fanasty weapon" fetish.  She, of course, is warned of Dick Clark's Choopers and Practical Jokes by a guy who apparently doesn't own a shirt nor any self respect.  She spends the night in the house, choosing to disrobe to her underwear first.  Last thing I would ever wanna do in such a sandy environment.  She sleeps, only to be awakened by...Da!  Da!  Don! The Chooper.  I don't know why an Indian spirit would dress like the lead singer of...I don't know...Good Charolette (?) is beyond anyone with half a brain.  The Chuck Taylors tend to give away the fact that he might not be a Native American spirit as they were all, of course, Nike men.  She's stabbed to death with a sword pulled off my kid brother's wall to no real fan fare.  Although Shirtless Bill is all to happy to rob the dead body.  Riveting.

Oh no!  It's Cash Fla...I mean The Chooper!

   The movie then begins to limp into it's opening as Steckler's wife has inherited the ranch in which the title Blood Shack sits.  She is told the story of The Harry Chooper by Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike.  She understands, which she indicates by nodding her only known acting skill.  Twenty minutes into this thing we start Blade Runner type narration by Steckler's wife.  She meanders dialog, almost as if she's an Alzheimer's patient, and plays with the apparently parentless children that hang out on this ranch.  There is much talk of the rodeo and all it's glory.  Shit fit, do they talk and go to this rodeo a lot.  Primarily to add production value as well as running time as the 70 minute directors cut contains even more of this trash.  Wanna see little Timmy Mason rope and tie a calf?  Whoa daddy do I have a movie for you.

Alright.  Alright. Alright.  I get older, they stay the same age.

   When this thing finally attempts to have some sort of action, we also get final credits.  She's eventually stalked and attempted slain by The Slap Chooper, only to have the shirtless reject of the cast of 2000 Maniacs intervene while having his Pancreas sliming out.  How is the The Chooper finally stopped you ask?  I know your reading this and can't ask, but damn it, if you were here you would ask.  My hands, the duct tape, and this kitchen knife will make sure of that shit.  A shovel!  The only slasher film in history where the main nemesis is easily dispatched with a quick blow to back of the head with said shovel.  Wholly bananas it wasn't The Chooper at all!  It was...some guy who showed up earlier in the film.  I can't even really remember who he was.  God damn Steckler apparently used to write for Scooby Doo at some point as the dude just wanted to get the ranch from the chick.  Brilliant.

It was Old Man Walter the owner of the abandoned amusement park this whole time!

    Oh Steckler.  We've been through so much over the years and you decide to ultimately drag me through this mess of shit and rodeo footage.  That's most of the movie.  What I've detailed here is ALL the story and action.  That's all of it baby.  It doesn't go anywhere but there...there and the rodeo.  I will watch some corny fucking shit.  I'll sit through the stock footage in Hell of the Living Dead.  Man, some of that shit is even humorous.  But this..this fucking atrocity of A Day at the Rodeo will not pass as entertainment.  Christ this was even the short version.  I can't imagine watching the directors cut.  What kind of masochist do you have to be to watch 70 minutes of this shit.  The only way I could ever find this movie tolerable is with the optional Joe Bob Briggs commentary.  Oh Joe Bob take me away.  Fuck I'd buy Joe Bob themed bubble bath.  Smellin' of Exploitation.

The Whoring Section:  I'm also selling hand made jewelry with art quality posters well on the way.  Support your local asshole and buy something at:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/ialexandernash

podcast at:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/deathbydvd

artworks at:

http://ialexandernash.deviantart.com/

And of course if you're a dumb asshole like me.  the link to the entire movie:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJPoSU9EFqk&wide=1