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Tuesday, October 1, 2013

First the Holocaust and now Ghost Muppets. Germany Hurts My Heart.

  by I.  Alexander Nash


  Roland Emmerich you delightful little cocksucker.  You have brought us so many great films and so much joy.  You gave us The Day After Tomorrow...well that one kinda sucked; but how about 10,000 B.C.?  Scratch that one too.  But who doesn't love Independence Day or the Patriot?  Well actually I don't like either of those movies.  Hmm.  How about Universal Soldier?  Okay, pretty shitty.  Godzilla?  Okay, so you've made pretty much all terrible movies that have gnoshed on my soul for the last 30 years causing me great pain and suffering.  Moon 44 wasn't half bad but that's like saying John Wayne Gacy wasn't too bad because he only killed 27 people instead of 30.  You're like the anti-Spielberg.  Where as Spielberg makes large budget special effects garbage films, he at least tries to impart some sort of character and soul into the movie.  He may be batting 50% but he at least tries.  You've tried to make those type of films for years and have continued to crap it up.  Did Jim Carey give you a bunch of Ex lax for trying to steal his woman and now you're shitting out so many awful films.  Too bad the toilet is broken in this case as well.

  Before Emmerich started spending 300 million to destroy half the planet per film, he brought to America his German version of childhood whimsy.  His premier American film was a little slice of insanity called Making Contact (aka Joey).  Making Contact contains probably the creepiest squat ventriloquist dummy ever registered on film all wrapped into a less than tidy E.T. style package.  More about that film later as we are discussing his second foray into American films with supposed family film Hollywood Monster or Ghost Chase as it's know in America.

The cast of Fraggle Rock falls on hard times.
Even in German the movie sounds fucking stupid

  The film opens with it's Mannequin inspired credits sequence only to immediately tease your cock with a scene from Night of the Living Dead.  Terrible idea for a start.  As soon as I saw that I took it out of the player and cued up Night.  Killed it real early there Roland.  After procrastinating and watching Night three times I, against better judgement, went back into Ghost Chase.  It's so disgustingly 80's.  It takes you a good five minutes to focus on anything besides the sunglasses, jams and bomber jackets.  We meet our leads, Jason Lively who played Chris in Night of the Creeps and Rusty in European Vacation as well as Jill Whitlow who played Cynthia in Night of the Cree...hey!  You completely raided and stole both leads from Night of The Creeps.  Eject.  Okay, back to Ghost Chase after watching Night of the Creeps two times.  Our favorite homecoming couple and their buddy who looks like Zack Morris are a trio of would be small time film makers who apparently use sweatshop employed children as their film crew.  The Keystone kids are having money problems and can't finish their film.  I don't see how they are having money troubles (as apposed to Monkey Troubles which means your being stalked by a Gypsy Harvey Keitel.  frightening) as Bayside High's most bleached student is apparently a god damn mechanical genius decking their home out in the latest Pee Wee Herman technology.  Get an engineering job Zack, Kelly Kapowski needs an Esprit shopping spree.

Time out!
  It just so happens, as these things do, Clark's favorite son has inherited a clock and a bunch of left over photos from Ken Burn's Civil War.  Through much dribbled shat out dialog and a Making Contact inspired dream sequence, we discover his grandfather was a rich old bastard who had his odd looking butler wall him into his mansion basement with all of his money 60 years ago and after creating the final set from Legend of Hellhouse, the butler died next to the clock.  Oh, that's a great name for a Hardy Boys story, The Butler Who Died Next to the Clock.  Too bad I'm only 40 years too late for that one.  And since you are not all complete retards and had your 5 hour energy shots chased with Red Bull you should be able to figure out the ghost of the butler now lives inside the clock.  Mr. Belding's nemesis wakes from his dream to craft a script based on this idea.  Not a great idea kid as I am currently watching a film based on these concepts and I can already tell you it blows.  Alright time for an 80's montage!  The kids start prepping the new idea by first  avoiding John Madden's bloated ass and stealing a bunch of shit from ACE hardware.  Good move Roland, encourage shop lifting in your children's film.  I wish Randy Quaid encouraged you to reenact the ending from Independence Day. 

I think Roland Emmerich was warning us about a future franchise he was going to ruin.

   Simultaneously a plot develops as the head of a movie studio, played by Paul "Dick Vernon" Gleason, wants the clock for his own nefarious purposes. You see his father pulled a little bit of a Glenn Gary style swindle on old gramp's house and built a movie studio around the mansion.  How Chief Robinson figured out the spirit of the butler, and therefore the only person who knows where the money is, lives in the clock is beyond fucking me.  He just knows...and hopes to God that wasn't a hostage.  The kids apparently fucked with the bull so Gleason sends out his German goon to retrieve the clock.

Are we not men?

   Screech's hero (and yes these Saved by the Bell references will continue and get even thicker) decides to build an animatronic version of the butler for the film using his stolen goods.  I mean really just get a job in special effects kid.  Why the hell are you so poor when you can create Stan Winston magic from your very own V.R. rocket power chair?  It's really just poor planning on your part.  What I never understand is why the hell make the butler this very strange green Terrahawks reject.  Even his animated ghost looks like this puppet.  Doing research for this write up, it seems everyone believes that this butler is some kind of alien ghost or some such nonsense.  There is never a mention of aliens in this movie.  So doing the math:  2 + 2= you fucked up.  With the addition of this bizarre British accented Muppet they have confused the whole plot to the point where 30 years later audiences are still confused.  Whatever.  I guess I'm just splitting crepe hairs here.  The ghost, named Louis, possess the puppet and watches more Night of the Living Dead....(breaths heavily) this movie is destroying my copy of Night...good thing I have nine more copies in reserve.  Louis informs our characters of the full plot of the movie, good thing he came in to save the script writers from the dreaded exposition monster.  Now the ghost chase is on...whatever that means.

Tom Atkins is looking fucking rough.

  The kids get involved in many hi jinx culminating in a treasure hunt in the soon to be destroyed mansion were the money is buried (and let me tell you the explosion of this house is the least impressive effect since those claymation scenes in Night Train to Terror).  There's a ghost sword fight, some torture devices as well as another leftover scene from Making Contact towards the end of the film.   If it seems we've gotten to the end rather quickly, you're not alone.  This whole movie is so plot heavy at the beginning that when we get to the end it feels as abrupt as the ending to Saved by the Bell:  The College Years (I told you it was coming).  It takes forever for them to lay out the plot of this movie that when we finally get there it seems completely from left field and rushed.  It seems like such a huge task getting at this money but when we finally get there they just get the money without many problems.  It's like a ten minute scene.  With something like this where you have so much build up to this goal you're just expecting some grandiose finale and what you get are the final moments of Land of the Dead.  The only thing they really do is try to instill some sort of drama when they inevitably kill off Louis.  Jessie Spano's neighbor get's all fucking teary and I guess the audience is suppose to as well.  Hahaha.  Ah Roland, when are you ever going to learn that German's have no emotions?  Is that a racial slur?   Oh well then fuck it.   The kids get a shit ton of money and Gleason get's the boot.  They take over the studio conceivably to make Zach and Kelly's Vegas Wedding Special.  And oh shit, little mister green genes shows up driving the limo at the end.  He didn't die after all. Yay! I'm so happy I could shit.

Sodomy is very very much apart of me!

  This movie is fucking ridiculous.  It's a kids movie with no humor for kids and certainly nothing for adults, unless those certain adults have recently experienced horrible brain trauma.  It really is a movie without an audience which is why it has remained so obscure over the years.  It tanked when it came out, and it continues to tank as some lost piece of film treasure.  I'm just glad when it came time for me to dig it out from it's crypt I didn't have to ask the Hobgoblin's illegitimate father for directions.



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