Rating system:
(0) - Shit
* - Not great but not total shit
** - Average
*** - Above Average
**** - Masterpiece
Cult Point System:
0(CP) - Star Wars
1(CP) - A Christmas Story, The Goonies
2(CP) - Predator
3(CP) - From Dusk Till Dawn
4(CP) - Puppetmaster
5(CP) - Bubba Ho Tep, Toxic Avenger, Night of the Living Dead, Tango and Cash
The Jar
1984
(0) and 4(CP)
I drank a potent hallucinogenic mushroom brew, out of the skull of a murdered holy man. The brew was made by an Amazonian High Priest who had castrated himself to live on a higher plane of existence by becoming the perfect unisex. He said, “You go!” And I said “I go!?!” “You Go!” So I went. I ran naked in the jungle experiencing life as Cheetah, the Lone One. I took the eldest daughter of the chiefs tribe as my wife. We lived a nomadic existence of picking berries and eating the holy lotus root, copulating and giving birth to one son, this movie. This is only way that something like this movie could possibly exist. Mad jungle fucking on holy drugs. Some lame prematurely balding college professor comes into possession of a jar that contains a weird little mutated fetus. He takes it home and proceeds to trip out even going so far as imagining himself as Jesus being crucified. Plus he freaks out about fire, demons, witch craft, sacrifices that sort of thing. There is no rhyme or reason to this movie. Just a couple of people in the early 80's with a shitty camera and an even shittier idea. Watch some bearded fruit freak out for an hour and a half, big whoop.
Splatter University
1984
* and 3(CP)
Slasher film that attempts to poke fun at the genre and ends up failing miserably. Problem with this movie is it tries to comment on the slasher genre but turns into being exactly what it's commenting on. Plus, when you are doing a whodunit story, it helps not to show the stalking killer priest's face all through your trailer. Oops! I've ruined it for you, but the producers did that way before I did.
LUNATICS:
A LOVE STORY
1991
*** and 4(CP)
Ted (Sam’s Bro) Raimi and Deborah (April Fools Day) Forman, star
in this film about two lonely lost people who meet on the streets of Los Angeles. Raimi is a reclusive poet who
has not left his apartment in over six months.
He has food delivered while he hides under his bed
hallucinating about the spiders that live in his brain. Forman has
just arrived in town with her less than faithful boyfriend played by Bruce
Campbell. After Campbell leaves Forman,
she needs a place to stay and happens upon Raimi and his weird ways. This movie is
pretty different than most. Two people,
who are both on the brink of a total breakdown, finding each other in the cruel
city and find hope in each others arms. The film is never totally straight. It’s comedic and strange at the same
time. When Raimi must look for Forman,
he leaves his apartment covers himself in tin foil for protection, and fights
the imaginary spiders that chase him through the city. Kooky. A different film with good performances and a
certain degree of style. This is Raimi’s
best performance, right after “You can count on my steel.” guy from Army of
Darkness.
Robot
Holocaust
1986
(0) and 4(CP)
Whoa daddy this little turd can turn your hair white and straighten
out a crooked spine. Imagine you have rented a really cheap Conan
rip off movie. A swordsman gathers a
crew so that he may storm the castle, save the girl and coincidentally save the
planet. Now, take that Conan movie, set it in the future and add some shitty robots. Everything about
this movie is bad. From the acting all
the way down to the worm hand puppets and Amazonian leopard print Flintstones' sarongs. The lead actress in this movie has a
completely undefinable accent. Pretty sure she's from the country as Natalie from Verewolf, I mean Werewolf. All the robots in this movie are gay. Like Message from Space gay. Yes, even gayer than C-3PO. Totally filmed in and around an old project in Jersey.
Silent
Rage
1982
** and 3(CP)
Has Chuck Norris met his match? In what play like a bad Norris joke, Chuck plays a town sheriff
who ends up killing
a suicidal psychopath in the line of duty. The young man is
then brought back to life through medical science
and goes on a Terminator like killing spree.
The only thing that can stop him is about
six roundhouse kicks to the face. So, it's fitting that it's Chuck that stops him considering it's the only move he knows. Actual
one of the better Chuck movies as this one plays like a slasher film and not an
episode of Walker Texas Ranger. Scratch
that, it still plays exactly like an episode of Walker.
Unholy
1988
* and 3(CP)
Priest fucks and battles a woman who happens to be a demon.
Albeit vicious at times the effects are few and far between. We get a few interesting dream sequences that
tease till the final showdown involving
one dumb puppet and some midgets in rubber demon suits. Long on promise short on delivery.
Children of the Corn 2-The Final Sacrifice
1993
* and 2(CP)
Typical direct to video
franchise cash in, with the only trouble being that it was released
theatrically. Continues the "He Who Walks Behind the Rows" concept with
the addition of far past their expiration date teenagers, your local
community theater gay as their leader and a suspiciously absent CGI
sequence that was in the trailer you advertising pricks. With it's lack of gore or violence
it's purely sluggish from it's beginning to it's end. Where's the
Morton's salt girl to put this creature to death?
UNNAMABLE
II
1992
(0) and 3(CP)
One of the worst H.P. Lovecraft movies ever made. Goat like she creature demon is studied by college
kids and released on the world. This
thing doesn’t make any sense nor do you care.
Watch it with someone you love.
Then tell them to burn your eyes out with hot skewers. Cheesefest.
Vacancy
2007
½ and 1(CP)
Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale stop at a motel and get stalked by a very pedo looking Frank Whaley.
So,
this movie has nothing going for it.
That's not true the first ten minutes of Luke Wilson banter is pretty engaging. Then they get to the
motel and its down hill from then on.
Guys make snuff films about their borders. That's it.
Other than that its them trying to find a phone or a car. Boring boring boring. Plus they straight up steal the concept from Mountaintop
Motel Massacre. There's tunnels under
the rooms via an opening under the bathroom rug, just like Mountaintop. Nothing new here. See that movie and skip this bullshit.
VIVA
KNIEVEL!
1977
**** and 5(CP)
It's been awhile since i've
seen this one, so bear with me. Viva Knievel (not to be confused with the Evel
Knievel movie with George Hamilton) stars Evel Knievel as himself. He jumps
cars, buses, etc. Evel shit. As the legendary stuntman travels to Mexico to
prepare for one of his
greatest stunts yet, he takes time out of his schedule to meet his fans, help
out lonely orphans and try to get his alcoholic mechanic to reconcile with his
son (oh yeah and he tries to pork Lauren Hutton
the whole time). Evel get's hired by Mexico (yeah not a company just by the country Mexico) to do a huge stunt. The man hiring
him is none other than Leslie Nielsen. Leslie is a Mexican Cocaine lord (don't you already want to see this movie?) who wants Evel's stunt to go haywire to kill
Evel, so he can smuggle cocaine in Evel's coffin across the boarder. "They
won't check the casket of an American Hero." says Leslie. So Evel runs his
mouth about America for about 60 minutes, and then goes to Mexico for the jump.
Of course he finds out about the plan. Evel is unhappy very unhappy...and sadly still mildly racist. Leslie get's in the
truck with Peruvian delight stuff casket and tries to run away from the jump extravaganza.
Evel follows him in a white knuckle desert chase. This is the only film in the history of world that
contains a car chase that ends with a Mac Truck being wrecked only by a man on
a motorcycle jumping over him repeatedly. That's how he stops him. Jumping over
the truck till it wrecks. Wow. This movie is fucking awesome. If you are a fan
of the 70's or Evel or just psychotronic movies, check this sucker out. With Red Buttons, Marjoe Gortner, Frank Gifford, Cameron Mitchell, Dabney Coleman, Gene Kelly need I fucking go on? Highest Recommendation
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