Naked Lady Body Builders Fight 8 ft Tall Schizo Poodle

by I. Alexander Nash

Rating system:

(0) - Shit
* - Not great but not total shit
** - Average
*** - Above Average
**** - Masterpiece

Cult Point System:

0(CP) - Star Wars
1(CP) - A Christmas Story, The Goonies
2(CP) - Predator
3(CP) - From Dusk Till Dawn
4(CP) - Puppetmaster
5(CP) - Bubba Ho Tep, Toxic Avenger, Night of the Living Dead, Tango and Cash

The Barbarians
1987
* and 3CP

During the 1980's, movie producers were searching for the next big action movie star.  For some reason to be an action star you had to have huge muscles, look like a freak and positively shiny with body oils.  Of course Bruce Willis shattered that myth with Die Hard.  Before that groundbreaking film though, you still have the left overs of stars that just never were.  That’s where the Barbarian Brothers come in.  These twin body builders were not from a foreign land, rather they just had garbled American accents.  They unintentionally went "Full Retard."  These two douches couldn’t act their way out of a wet paper bag.  They know how to flex, but when they start cutting up and cracking wise you realize how poor the American school system has gotten.  This is just your basic Conan rip-off starring these two brothers.  Not a good movie.  Directed by Ruggero (Cannibal Holocaust) Deodato of all people.  Too bad no one get's eaten or speared in the vag.  Featuring Planet of the Apes extra George Eastman.

Blood Salvage 
1990
* and 2CP

Movie shot in an around Atlanta Georgia that was also produced by Evander Hollifield (noted by his inappropriate cameo).  Genre film god John Saxon and his annoying family have car trouble putting them into the hands of a crazy junkyard owner.  Fred Sandford and his sons run an auto yard as well as deal human organs on the black market.  They kidnap them, sell their cars, and then keep the hopeless bastards on ice.  The crazy father takes a shine to the crippled daughter wanting to turn her into his own Handicapable Barbie.  He holds the wheelchair bound girl in his home, while he's selling her family off piece by piece.  This film was a big deal at the time as it passed the ratings board with almost no cuts whatsoever.  The only scene that apparently was objectionable was a scene where yellow (Gatorade) goo pours from a wound.  These people were really trying to make the next Chainsaw Massacre and succeeding in making the next Woodchipper Massacre.   

 Clean, Shaven
1993
*** ½ and 4CP

Insane dude escapes from the booby hatch to visit his daughter.  Along the way a cop is trying to solve a murder of a child.  Clean, Shaven contains some of the most jarring imagery committed to film.  Peter (Zed’s dead baby, Zed’s dead) Green plays the psycho to creepy perfection.  He freaks out and scrubs himself with steal wool until he’s raw.  He tries to block out the “transmissions” with tin foil and the usual loony accoutrements.  At one point he removes his finger nail with a pocket knife to remove a transmitter he believes is under his skin.  Ouch!  Probably the most distasteful scenes in this movie involve some very real looking child autopsy footage.  The cop angle seems a little bit forced, but Peter Green’s performance as well as the spot on writing of a schizo make this film a worthy watch.

BONEYARD, THE
1991
** and 3(CP)

Strange occurrences, played for laughs, at the city morgue when a group of people have to fight crazy Japanese demon midgets.  Goes off in some strange directions including a 6 foot tall poodle creature that is extremely pissed.  Bad film for bad film lovers. With Phyllis Diller and Norman Fell with a ponytail.  With a cast that old it earns it’s title. 

The Adventures of Lucky Pierre
1961
 * and 5(CP)

This was H.G (Blood Feast) Lewis’ first real film.  This is also the first time teaming of classic production team Lewis and Friedman.  This is just a nudie cutey and nothing more.  Lucky Pierre is a photographer who goes to a nudist camp to film it.  The outfit is a striped shirt, curly mustache and beret.  You know, what all French people wear.  Mainly this film consists of a bunch of shots of volleyball games, girls swimming and generally just girling around.  It’s like an old issue of playboy.  It doesn’t really turn you on, but you get nostalgic for women in torpedo bras and granny panties.

A Brazilian That Won't Make Your Asshole Bleed

by I. Alexander Nash

   Brazil is a country not typically known for their horror films.  They do in fact have a fairly rich history for producing fright films and the like.  What people commonly associate with Brazilian horror is the stellar Coffin Joe series.  Coffin Joe is a diabolical mortician type character created by director/actor/writer José Mojica Marins.  He starred in a few films focusing on the character of Coffin Joe himself and went on to become a horror and media icon for Brazil.  He's been in movies, hosted tv shows and I wouldn't be surprised if he starred on a couple of lunch boxes as well.  A horror icon that will be remembered for years and years to come.  Trouble with all of this is, we aren't here to talk about Coffin Joe.  Sadly we are here to talk about a lesser entry in the Brazilian horror market and even a hell of a lot lesser in the world market.  God, do I wish we were talking about Joe because...well, there's actually information available on him.  We are going to discuss a director who made a very small bloody splash in horror from 1989 to 1990, Fauzi Mansur.

  When I went to do research on this guy I quickly discovered there is not much research to be done.  As it turns out most any information on Mansur is predominately featured on websites in fucking Portuguese.  Since I don't fucking speak Portuguese, and most of the world doesn't either, I will just be giving you the information as I see it, which isn't much.  The main reason we're talking about Mansur is because he created two films that have been notorious over the years.  Notorious for being incredibly rare and extremely gory.  Notice I didn't say "good" in that sentence.  From what I can gather from different resources Mansur was primarily a porn director over the years, with such winning entries in that genre as  "O Inseto do Amor," "Sexo Animal," as well as "AIDS, Furor do Sexo Explícito."  Swell sounding guy.  Pretty sure he needs to be involved in Toy Story 5, but don't quote me on that as I don't want to end up on any more websites.  I'm thinking Fauzi wanted to open up to a wider audience than something like "Sexo Animal" could bring him, so he took the next logical step into the horror field.  He did so with the two films Ritual of Death and Satanic Attraction.

  The way my attention was brought to these films was through early VHS bootleg catalog ordering.  I was a huge fan of the work of horror author/reviewer/artist Chas. Balun.  Balun had made mentioned of these two films several times through the years.  His reviews were less than glowing on Mansur's films but he always made mention of the fact that they were gory as hell (or as Chas. would always put it "Certified Chunk Blowers").  Chas and I didn't always see eye to eye on some films, but without question Balun was not wrong about these.  For years I tried to track these movies down; even at the point when movies became readily available on the internet, Mansur's cinema genocides were always elusive.  Now that everything, and I do stress EVERYTHING, is available on the internet I finally was able to obtain my own copies of these sort of could pass as films.  They were so not worth the wait.  Kinda like waiting to get married before you plow your wife for the first time.  You really should have just got that drunk weeping handjob from her sister at the wedding, cause it was going to happen years later anyway.  Enough yacking about me and my crimes.  Mansur!   

Weren't you in The Horror Show with Lance Henriksen?

     The first thing you notice about Ritual of Death are the opening credits where the "Indians" are credited to the BSG company.  So, apparently they had to rent some natives to show up in this shit.  Ritual Of Death revolves around a local group of way off off off Broadway (considering it's Brazil I would say that's a little further away than the Lower Eastside) actors visiting a history lecture where they learn about how their rented indigenous people were all influenced by the Egyptian's and stole all their magic tricks like 12th century Cris Angels.  They learn that there is an evil book containing all of these rituals because Mansur had recently seen Evil Dead.  Brad...wait...this Brazilian dude who doesn't speak a lick of English is named Brad?  You know how I know he speaks English like Borat?  Simple, everyone is fucking dubbed.  And dubbed like shit.  Although I will say if this thing was subtitle it would be so much harder of a sit.  So Brad...ahem...Brad is told by one of the head honchos named Jim...whatever.  Jim tells fucking Brad that they need to steal this book so they can use the rituals in their new performance to make it more authentic.  Listen, I've seen bits of their play and the only thing that's going to authenticate it might be some acting classes cause these twats act like giraffes fuck, awkwardly.  Brad  has a hallucination of this ritual performed and is approached by a man right out of a René Magritte painting, who has melty goo spewing hands.  After snapping back into reality, Brad steals the book and shit immediately hits their safety deficient wind machine.  Jim and some casting couch bimbo play naked keep away with a severed goats head in a blood filed bathtub.  And I'm assuming that has something to do with the ritual(?)  It either that or they're both just huge Island of Death fans. Brad gets an intense craving for raw meat like he's Grant Grant from Slither, as well as a bunch of Frogs inhabiting his room obviously mistaking him for Ray Milland.  One night Brad wakes from a cold sweat and starts to get an extreme case of pizza face that makes him melt and causes him to look like Brion James in the poster art.

Yeah I've seen The Fly too.

    This is where Ritual of Death disposes of a niceties and earns it's 10 on the vomit score board (I don't know how to read the numbers on it myself).  During a dress rehearsal, Brad dons the outfit from Bloody Pit of Horror and nearly strangles his mistress.  Attempted murder charges not withstanding, Brad runs off to begin his service in the Ritual of Death...which basically amounts to him walking around with a chain like George the Animal Steal and perpetrating several greasy murders.  Which never really accounts for the part where he spews green foam like he's Warren from Class of Nuke'em High.  See Jim wanted to bring his uncle (the for mentioned apple-less Magritte) and cult leader back from the dead.  Apparently he needs a living body to inhabit, which never explains why Brad is turning people into Alpo left and right even doing a Fulci to Jim's face.  Question, do eyeballs float?  I guess it's best not to question physics in a Mansur film.

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!! 

   What we are all here for anyway are the not so elaborate yet visceral killings.  The murder count:  we have Jim's eyes being turned into bath time buddies; a stabbing where she is inexplicably run over by a train wheel; an attempted and botched knife deep throating; a girl eviscerated by a claw hammer; a bloodless chain choking; a fake out of being ground up by the wind machine but then run over and bisected by it only then to have the next character have acid thrown in his face and then cut in half by the wind machine; and a bevy of zombie type bodies poly-bagged like Spider-Man issue 1.  The kills in this movie are where it's at.  It certainly isn't craftsmanship or the white goo that pours out of Brad's head at the drop of a severed hand.  I just won't pay to see white goo now.  I can make my own white goo, there's no need in spending hard earned dollars on it.  The kills are the star and the kills alone.  This is not cinema as art but cinema as commerce.  I don't mind it too much either.  It may be uneven and fucked up as a solid piece of film making, but can be entirely enjoyable as an exploitation shit fest.  Ignore the story and ignore the acting.  It's kinda like watching Romano Scavolini's Nightmare.  You're there to see some blood, tits and the occasional bit of pig guts.  This shit delivers hand over fist...but still manages to be a incredibly long watch.   Totally lacking in any socially redeeming value.

Does this make me look fat?

Fauzi Mansur has to be a huge Venom fan.

    The next movie Fauzi (or Fozzie Bear if you're a Furry) did for the horror genre is a lovely bit of family entertainment named Satanic Attraction.  This movie has even less of a distinguishable plot than Ritual of Death.  I think maybe somebody's word processor got the first Black Sabbath and Slayer albums spilled on it before finally printing out a mess of a script complete with sprocket holes.  We open with a bunch of random shots of people doing blood rituals in goat masks only to reveal little blonde Aryan children locking bloody wrists.  We cut to years later where a radio DJ recites the story of a mad slasher killing random people for their blood to resurrect his dead sister that he truly wants to fuck.  Wouldn't you know it, that's exactly what's happening in the film.  A guy (who must have thought he was in an Argento film due to his black leather gloves and suit) runs around dismantling people in creative ways so that his deceased love may live again, all the while the dumbest blonde (even dumber than Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears and Billy Zabka combined) DJ improvs the exact same story over the open waves...why isn't she immediately arrested?  Sure, the cops eventually interview her, but she has an alibi.  Still, alibi or not, if this bitch has all the details without being prompted you arrest that ass.  No, they just immediately buy into this bullshit psychic business, plus they're just happy people are listening to the radio again(?)  Shit her husband turns up dead halfway through the movie!  Why is this bitch not in cuffs?  They arrested Chong simply for owning that one bong...making factory.  

Which came first, the Bava or the egg?

   DJ Dumb Maus tends to have tons of dreams about some lady in rubber corpse makeup stalking her, but that's okay as it actually is a character running around in rubber corpse makeup.  So, at least that bit of shittiness pays off for them.  The rubber rotter is pretending to be the guy who's doing the killings sister to encourage him...or something.  This movie is vague as shit.  Questions are never answered.  Mysticism is thrown around at the drop of a hat to explain away all these things but is never explained itself.  Hell even their big reveal at the end isn't a big reveal as you can't differentiate one person's face from another.  But I guess if you need a mastermind fingered here than I'll tell you...Oh Hi it's you again Brad.  This one guy is doing the killings cause fucking Brad tricked him into doing it.  There that's all I fucking know.  I'm not trying to withhold information here, I simply don't have it.  I mean why would they have to trick this guy into doing the killings when he's in this murder cult anyway?  And why the hell does the murderer disappear at the end when he dies!?!  We just watch him dissolve out like he's Teddy Duchamp. Then some pregnant reporter has twins who I assume will grow up to wanna fuck each other like that dark episode of the Suite Life with Zak and Cody.  It's not a whodunit as much as it is a whydunit which I've never encountered personally.  It just keeps going around in circles pointing the blame and reasons in different directions and at the end of the day the answer is the answer to every question that this sick world produces:  Satan.

You've got red on you.

  The real satanic attraction here are the copious amounts of blood and entrails that are spilled all in the name of Love, Incest Style shana na na na:  we have a girl stabbed and then bled into a bucket (don't forget her hacked of foot which is feed to a lion); the ol' razor blade in your bar of soap gag and then split in the head like Crazy Fat Ethel's sister's boyfriend; taking a page out of Friday the 13th part 2's playbook (which was Mario Bava's playbook to begin with) he gives the couple the two for one spear special; a dead body that gets the Miike foot treatment; eviscerated in a hammock only for her pig guts to get dirty with sand yuck; a fancy decapitation; stabbed through a door; neck harpooned; and my personal favorite pick axe in the My Bloody Valentine.  You so get your moneys worth on the kills with this one.  They are always bloody and prevalent.  Trouble is you have to sit through an nearly 120 minutes of dumb cop/dj/naval officer(?) talk to get there.   Fauzi may be shit with actors, although it is hard to direct someone whose talking with a cock not in their mouth, but he sure has a way of really throwing the blood around and making it somewhat interesting.  

I ain't got no bod...yes I do it's right there.

  These are truthfully bad movies, but they are so much fucking fun.  You don't have to pay attention the entire time.  Christ I would question your sanity if you did.  These are the kinds of movies that made 80's horror great. You could ignore it and pick the gist of it right back up.  If you didn't, it didn't matter as there was plenty to view anyway.  What spells the death of horror cinema is shaky lost footage found shit with a creepy kid that has a cgi altered giant black mouth and eyes.  You watch them once and forget them.  With something like the Fazui Mansur movies they do warrant repeat viewing if only to see slaughter house leftovers fly at your face.  The definition of a wet horror movie.  Fauzi returned to porn and never has made another horror film.  Sorry Fauzi I'd prefer seeing blood from you as apposed to semen.

Philip Nutman  1963-2013

Chas. Balun 1948-2009

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Juinor (aka Hot Water) (aka A Cut Above) (aka How many titles does this thing have?)

By I. Alexander Nash

  It's been many years since the classic film Deliverance posed one engaging question to America, and through it's success, the rest of the world:  If you had a choice to rape Burt Reynolds or Ned Beatty, would you pick Beatty!?!  I mean I understand Beatty was weak and it was all about preying on that weakness, but young, shirtless and fucking chiseled Burt!?!  Gay or not you rape that dude!  I mean I'm not gay or anything.  Just ask my girlfriend...wait...on second thought.  Maybe you ask...ah...my...mom?  Yeah talk to her, she'll back me up.  She's my mom....I'm not gay alright.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, hardcore raping Burt Reynolds.  First I tussle his wet comb-over and see him for who he truly is.  He doesn't need to put heirs on for me.  He's beautiful just the way he...okay, after receiving a text from my girlfriend I need to kill this whole line of thinking...for now.  Deliverance was a huge success and helped create the genre of Hicksploitation.  Many entries in this genre have been created and disappeared over the years.  You have your Backwoods from 1987, Hunter's Blood from 1986 and of course the superior Best Little Whore House in Texas from 1982.  God, did Burt look great in the that Sheriff's hat.  Man I'd love too...moving on.  Canada was not exempt from this genre.  Canada did their own share of tar and feathering with movies like 1982's Trapped and with the Canada staffed but Texas shit, I mean shot Junior (aka Hot Water aka A Cut Above).

I want to listen to Air Supply and sip Chablis with this box art

   This movie is one of video store lore so to speak.  Released primarily as Junior in the states, it was toted as a supreme horror film with it's Jason/Freddy bashing on the cover as well as it's chainsaw wielding star buzzing right through the fucking cover.  God, you have to miss 80's video box art.  The giant balls these marketing companies had to try to sell you something they knew god damn well was not the movie in their beautifully designed package is worth the price of the rental alone.  Junior is no exception.  They packaged it as slasher (with absolutely no still shots on the back might I add) when in all honesty this is a Hicksploitation film through and through.  When sold in other territories as Hot Water, you get exactly that.  Bountiful breasts and explosive action don it's cover.  Well maybe the action part is bullshit, but the bountiful part is right on the nose.

Vixen album cover or vhs art.  You be the judge.

  I don't know where the hell this thing was sold as A Cut Above.  It's even listed as it's title on IMDB and most of the internet.  The only place I've seen that title is as a splash line on the Junior box.  The internet is never wrong about any of it's facts.  I'll just chock this one up as the internet's first ever mistake.  IMDB can't  be wrong, right?  I know the film in it's cut form as Junior and will be discussing this version as I don't have enough time nor give a shit to bother to ever find an uncut copy of this movie.  In the video explosion era of history, this movie would taunt me from the mislabeled horror shelf.  Junior's soft psychotic buggy eyes seem to call to you, "Come forth young squire and find a new horror icon." As it turns out, I was lied to by Junior that two timing tobacco chewing fiend.  He just wanted to fuck me as a horror film but he was really engaged to be married to Hicksploitation this whole time.  Burt wouldn't dare pull that shit on me.

Andy Sidaris assistant buys a new pair of pants

  The film was shot in English but apparently had shitty sound as the actors are all dubbed.  And it's not quite like Italian film's Nick Alexander dubbing, but more like Indonesian Lady Terminator dubbing.  Odd.  We start with the title song "Hot Water," played over a very cheap video title card which obviously was not it's original.  Plus the song is too much of a good time song.  This thing could have played in the film Up the Creek and no one would be the wiser.   A couple of Whitesnake groupies/whores (which is basically synonymous) get released from the set of The Destroyer only to run into their ex-pimp.  After literally exploding his nose with a coke spoon, the gals steal the pimps wheels and show us how sassy two 1980's ex-prostitutes can be by stopping an attempted rape with nothing more than a bathtub in the middle of a working garage filled with slop.  The Macks special stable decide they need a new line of work and a less coked up costumer.  Seemingly out of fucking nowhere they decide to go straight and do what all modern ladies of the night do when their time to leave their profession comes, open a marina?  I mean after all old Lita Ford over here did take that mechanics class in prison.  Immediately after taking over this dilapidated lake shore house, the girls are harassed by the local Dukes of Hazzard cosplay club.

The perks of being Winger's security

   This is where we are introduced to our star, Junior.  Very rarely in film history have we been introduced to a main character mid-coitus as Junior comes barreling through their front door with his dick firmly implanted (while wearing overalls the whole time.  still haven't figured this one out) in what appears to be a leftover extra from Roadhouse.

Jerry O'Connell selects a new bride

   Turns out Junior, the sheriff and the whole town are out to get them for being the whores that they are, even though they are a way higher quality whore than any of their local whores.  Why step in the way of whore progress in your town?  First you get a McDonalds.  Then you get a Wallmart and a Pizza Hut.  Then you get a more upper class of whores.  This is how the economy works people!  Junior gets dunked into the drink damaging the only part of his brain untouched by that bathtub crank, i.e. his ego.  Junior seems to have a very Norman Bates like relationship with that 20 kid from tech support dressed up as an old woman representing his mother.  Why is it in a lot of these exploitation movies do they always throw a powdered wig on some young, dumb, and to top it off male actor to play old women?  Kinda like throwing the baby out with the bathwater and then squashing it with the whole bathtub.

Ike you've made your Mother very proud

  This is where the real action begins as this is where this movie turns into a huge tittyfest.  I mean so many pointless nude scenes, and even in the midst of action there are always, and I do stress always, close ups of this girls ass. Man I've seen this girls ass more than my own at this point.  This cinematographer really knows what he's doing.  Further on into the thing one of the girls meets an aquaphobic botanist who lives on a houseboat that is literally a Semi trailer roped onto a couple of pontoons.  Man is this guy swift.  He plays guitar AND he had the same pain tolerance surgery in Darkman as Junior rips a fish hook right out of the guys hand with no response whatsoever.  Where do I sign up? I mean he's no Burt Re....stop it!  Stop it!  I don't wanna wear the dress mommy!  Who was I again?  Right, movie reviewer.

That girls ass...plus leaches

   Where I get lost in this movie is Junior's attitude towards the whole kitten caboodle.  Apparently he is trying to impress his mother with his property destruction and his many attempted rapes.  Aw that rascal Junior. I guess it's the same mother from the Charles Kaufman film Mother's Day.  Problem is you put Junior in a street fight with Ike from Mother's Day and I take 4 to 1 odds on Ike any day of the damn week.  It really never gives a reason why this guy is basically one of the characters from I Spit on Your Grave.  I guess it's the same reason as in that film, he's just a regular dumb shit old redneck.  Dumb shit or not, he does have a great parlor trick by consuming a long neck, bottle and all.  Slow witted Junior continues to fuck with the trio (the whores invite one of Junior's victims to join their coven) relentlessly always asking his mother for acceptance and approval.  Ah I see.  I guess this was the base story for Forrest Gump.   They should write "Based on the Winston Groom book" on the video sleeve.  It'll help those sorts of issues out.

My momma always says that I have magic raping legs

    Probably the most exciting scene in this movie happens when the girls get their high performance speed boat out on the lake, only to be surrounded by Junior and company (a possible sequel title for Coscarelli's Kenny and Co.  Don I have a phone that rings.  I'm just saying).  This whole thing is starting to play out like an evil Meatballs 3.  Hold on...yep, shot on the same set.  What do ex-prostitutes do when surrounded on a speed boat by several dingys in.dingys?  They do what any whores/Hollywood actresses/bikini models/Hooter's waitresses/strippers (again all synonymous) would do.  Why you make a Molotov cocktail with your soaking wet bikini top and a handy 40 oz Coors bottle filled with gasoline, that's what you do.  Oh Patrick Dempsey, you had it so wrong brother.  You didn't need the ghost of Sally Kellerman at all.

Still from the new parody porn film "Ramboob"

  It's a whole back and forth situation until I'd say the last 20 minutes when their dog, who was specifically introduced to be killed, is killed.  I can't really say it was the dog or even Junior's actions.  I prefer to think Rowlf the piano playing Muppet was having a hard time balancing out that Seroquel prescription. Junior is at his wit end and proceeds to take a chainsaw to the house for ten minute scene of destruction culminating in a very phallic display chainsawery.  The sheriff finally takes an interest when they find desiccated corpses in the boat house.  He must be up for reelection.

Chainsawery!  It's a word.  Look it up

  The final straw for the Bangles is when Junior's intended rape victim shows up dead and Bud, one of the boyfriends, gets dragged away by a boat and a noose combo...did I forget to tell you about Bud earlier?  Well, you see how much that character registered on my radar.  With one girl left at the house and one girl on the hunt, Junior's last stand comes as he tries to burn down what the producers of the film called a house.  Through trickery and chicanery the girls trap Junior in a net ala the Ewoks on Endor.  Nets were all the rage in 1984.  What we are given at the end is actually a surprise, it's a switcharoo.  I can honestly say I didn't see it coming.  I mean yes in a plodding sort of way it's not unexpected, but for them to even try to pull the switcharoo at the end is the unexpected part.  I figured dispatch Junior, movie over.  They attempt to actually do something at all.  Congrats guys Dom Perignon on me.  It's been the sheriff the whole time.  It's strange that in this movie you spend the whole time hating this white trash river rat and they actually have the balls to try to give Junior some sympathy at the end.  It doesn't work but the attempt is much appreciated.  Momma becomes the ultimate savior running in with shotguns blazing.  Quite literally blazing as she sets the whole fucking house on fire engulfing herself, her son and a few dead bodies including the shotgun blasted sheriff.

Nice work fuzzball

  Im surprised about the downer ending for this thing.  All the boyfriends die.  All the villains die.  All emo kids pretending to be old women die.  In fact, everyone who comes in contact with these two die.  Christ those are some cursed whores.  The sheriff was right the whole time.  Those girls really were trouble.  No one comes outta this thing smelling of roses.  The weirdest curve ball this movie throws at you at the end are two just depressed ex-whores riding off on a home made houseboat while the extremely upbeat song "Hot Water" reprises.  I don't really know how to feel about this.  How do you feel when you go in feeling Gorp, go out feeling Bellflower, and then left with the title track from King Frat?  I'm a little frightened.  It's very rare when I don't have an opinion on a movie.  Am I broken or is this movie.  Was it great?  No.  Was it terrible?  No.  Was it entertaining?  Not really.  Was it boring?  Not really.  I guess the only thing I can equate this movie with is like that funeral you had for your pet fish Burt when you were a kid.  It's not that you were sad.  It's not that you were happy.  You just kind of....were.  Wait a minute.  Is this what that Smashing Pumpkins album was talking about all along?

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