Edward R. Turdswurth and the Mystery of the Ghost Stones (makes as much sense as Metalstorm, trust me)

by I. Alexander Nash

 

Let me preface this by telling you this is not easy for me.  This isn't like hard boiling an egg, nor making toast, or even french toast.  You know that really good kind of french toast with all the cream cheese and berries stuffed into it...boy I think I really just wanna go to Denny's.

(An hour and half and 2 Moons Over Maihami later)

  So I think I as on about something...right I was explaining the horrible details I must tell you.  This is also like informing Anne Frank that there's a group of people who hate you and in fact would prefer you were a bar of soap and a pair of hair shoes.  Like letting someone whose shot way too much heroin into their flacid little veins, when you in fact know it's way too much.  You know it's too much, but honestly you are tired of saving them from choking on their own vomit for the 19th time.  So you still kinda have to watch it all unfold in front of you.  I am of course referring to the 1980's sci-fi extravaganza that is Metal Storm:  The Destruction of Jared Syn in 3-D.

  First off the title is one huge lie as Jared Syn isn't even destroyed at the end...(spoiler alert).   And since it's spelled Syn, you can just assume it's a "futuristic" film as no one in any of these centuries would be dumb enough to be an evil prick with the last name Syn.  And Jared Syn at that.  Who came up with the Jared part?  Why not Zenon, Zosoi, or even Bill.  But Jared?  He sounds like the little wisenheimer you used to kicked the piss out of in grade school for his 8 is Enough lunch box.

  Moving along after that brief descent in Syn madness.  A bit of history:  Director, writer, doll maker, and low rent Roger Corman (and that's some cheap fucking rent) Charles Band wanted to make some money so he made a movie.  He wanted to try to make more money so he did it in 3-D.  Pretty much the be all and end of all of that story.  As most of you know about Band, his father Albert Band was a filmmaker/producer with a fistful of genre credits to his name over the years.  Band had a son who worked his way into the business, first by doing indie genre films like Mansion of the Doomed with Michael Patki.  He also did a few adult films having his hands in movies like Fairy Tales...and no I don't mean his literal "hands" in anything.  I would'nt want to get sued here.  Although I am a shitty fact checker, so I might be screwed on that anyway.  Band continued to work his way through grindhouse and exploitation films until he started to work his way up in the world, some say down and those people...well they're mostly correct about that.  Band went on to create his own production companies like Empire pictures made famous by hand puppet monster oddities.  He also went on to own Full Moon pictures which is mainly known for it's...well it's puppets.  But they're not hand puppets.  That's a positive thing right?  Right?  Metal Storm I believe falls right into that pre-Empire  days cannon, but I am, again, shit with looking up, you know, actual facts.  Regardless it still pretty much blows nine kinds of monkey ass.

   Let me also preface (I know I prefaced myself before here, but I'm telling this story, and if you don't like my prefacing, than we can take it right the fuck outside.  Symantec fight!) I have seen this movie at least four separate times.  I've seen original prints, 3-d prints, DVD prints and good grief Lucy you bitch, I still cannot tell you a damn thing that's going on.  Magic power crystals, cyborgs spraying sulfuric LSD on people, cyclopes in rubber armor, Walls-mart masks of infinite wisdom , a Mick Jagger clone who refused to give the Humongous gasoline, Tim Thomerson?  The list can go on and on and on.  I added that one more "on" so you'd know I'm crazy serious about that.  Don't test me.

  Your main character is a man named Dogen.  Wait, fucking Dogen?  Dogen?  Whatever Mr. Band.  So, Doucher is an intergalactic Space Ranger, whatever the fuck that is.  The only kind of ranger I know of is a Walker type...and maybe his side kick Affirmative Action.  By the way, not much of this is actually stated in the film.  For the most part, this is all info I'm pulling off Wakkipedia.  So Doucher is in his literal box with wheels being shot at by some kind of George Lucas inspired speeder bike.  That's early Lucas too.  Lucas wishes he could still come up with something this cool.  Hell, now a days it would be some kind of flying monster with body parts that don't support any type of physics known to man!   After this we are introduced Travolta's hot wife and her father, who may or may not be Rory Calhoun (okay it's not, but I sure wish it was dammit), who are some kind of cubic zirconia miners.  At this point the evil doers show up.  How do you know they're evil?  They have a one armed cyborg with them duh.  Much like a virgin shooting his first porn film, Baal, the cyborg, blasts kinda Rory with hallucinogenic Alien blood all over daddy's Osh Kosh B'gosh.  Farmer Vincent goes into some crazy Duran Duran video where Papa Gallo touches him with a zirconia sucking his soul up like so much Frankenberry milk.  Lost yet?  Shit I got lost after the Denny's trip.

   Dojo shows up and tries to explain the entire plot of the movie to Tim Bailey's splooge rag in the span of 10 seconds actively losing the audience.  His name is Cujo and he's a tracker looking for Jared Syn a criminal blah blah.  We never really know what makes him such a criminal other than generally trying to start a cyclopen resistance against all miners and obviously the next 30 years of bad Rolling Stones albums.  There, we have set some kind of plot, but that's about it.  That's the plot.  We are thrown concept after concept that is ripe for introspection, only to be thrown pointless action scene after pointless action scene.  And not even good ones either.  Action scenes filmed for 3-D.  So many Mad Max rip off vehicles crashing into sand in slow motion.  Many a laser gun fight.  Blue for the men and pink for the ladies.  I never understood that.  Even in shit like Star Wars, why are opposing forces laser gun blast different colors?  Isn't it all the same technology?  Why are villians color coded red and heros blue?  Must be that gay conspiracy again.  We do pick up a Tim Thomerson (in a town called Zhor no less.  Z's make everything more scientific) to throw in the mix to spice things up a bit.  He's a constant in these movies.  You can at least rely on the fact that Thomerson is going to give it his all no matter how shitty the script.  Thomerson plays a burned out tracker who helps Dozens track down the mystical mask of cyclopes, but not before those Duke boys get themselves into one mess of a pickle with some puppety graboids.  They really do throw the kitchen sink into this one including a  Ninja Turtle/wrestling strap match with Bull from Night Court.  Nothing ever seems to get figured out in this thing.  It's like a never ending journey to find a dude name Jared.  Shit, think I just wrote the next Harold and Kumar movie.

  The film does end on a high note with one of the goofiest chase scenes ever.  The blue screen in this rivals only that of Megaforce.  It would help if the actors didn't look so fucking bored with the entire chase scene.  At least there's some kitsch in there to keep you from jerking off for two minutes anyway.  This movie suffers with what many sci-fi movies from that era suffer from.  Lack of explanation and a reliance on the audience to just fill in the blanks and be happy with getting to see some crazy action.  Yeah lets make a cyborg!  Why?  Who cares, but that fuckers in it.  That's the real shame.  For instance a character like Baal.  Good strong character, concept and make-up.  Has all the room in the world for expansion.  Do we expand the story?  Nope, throw him in there and say, "It has cyborgs too!"

  Hell, even the 3-D is awful.  I've seen it in 3-D and guess what....doesn't fucking work!  It has your typical 3-D gags of shit flying at your face, but never capitalizes on the scope and space you get with a 3-D film.  This is the kind of movie that ruined 3-D and it's 80's comeback...well this and Parasite..and then there was Amityville...fuck forgot about Space Hunter...hhmmm skanky Molly Ringwald in 3-D.  Daddy needs a new pair of pants sweets.

  I understand that Metalstorm is a bit of a cult classic.  It's understandable.  It's goofy and can be a lot of fun after a bit of purple drank.  You can totally space on it's visuals and lack of any sort of earthly sense.  Hell, I love a lot of stupid shit from when I was a kid.  In fact they call me King Turd of Shit Movie Mountain.  But, I can also stand back and see this movie for what it is.  Cheap fuck sci-fi garbage from the 80's cashing in on the 3-D craze.  In short, a masterpiece.

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