by I. Alexander Nash
I've just recently watched a very interesting movie that I'd thought I'd share with you through a little review. Please enjoy, and if you see this film you should check it out. You might have to find a copy on eBay as it is very rare and hard to find. The title, after I consulted an actor search on imdb.com, is apparently Lethal Weapon. Since I assume most of you have not seen it before, I'd thought I'd give you a brief overview of the plot as it is.
The amazing charismatic actor and Brute spokesman Tom Atkins stars as a character named Hunsaker. Hunsaker has recently gotten himself into a bit of a pickle so to speak. He has been laundering money, through his bank of which he's the president of (I assume he got the job through the only way possible...mustache powers!). The money laundering scheme involves his old Vietnam Special Forces buddies that have set up a heroin business in the states (much like a lemonade stand but with more o.d.'s unless of course you mean Country Time Lemonade). Atkins, being of much moral character and shear swankiness, tries to contact his old buddy who is now a cop (played by some unknown actor who I will from now on refer to as Black Cop) to possibly save his daughter who has become a junkie. Obviously this girl didn't realize what an immense gift it was to be spawned from the loins of Atkins, After all he was the man who killed Hitler. (I need to fact check that last bit as some very obvious dates do not match up). Before Black Cop can contact the girl, she throws herself from a building and right into a role on Cheers playing Woody's girlfriend. This is where the movie starts to lose me a bit. Instead of getting to the meat and potatoes of the matter so to speak, the movie side tracks itself into Black Cop getting a new "wacky partner." (Again I don't remember too many of the actor's names so the new partner will from here on be referred to as "Antisemtic Actor"). I don't understand why these characters seem so important. I guess it's important because they are trying to solve the murder of Atkins' daughter but the movie strangles itself with too many scenes of Black Cop and Antisemitic Actor. They apparently find out some important details blah blah blah, the old Special Forces are in on it, blah blah blah, some little kid saw Gary Busey and lived to talk about it, blah blah blah, Black Actor figures out something's not right in Denmark (besides the fact that it's Denmark), and wants to get to the bottom of the whole situation and needs to talk to Hunsaker. Alright, you've got my attention again movie. About 45 minutes in, we are FINALLY given the most important scene in the movie. Atkins explains to Black Cop (over scotch and cigarettes, if Black Actor were Jamie Lee Curtis his panties would be in a wad on the floor at this point) about the heroin smugglers and how to survive a night at Studio 54 with Busey. At this point in the flick the director obviously lost control over what's important in the script. You can tell he isn't very talented because his only other successful movie was Radio Flyer. After a beautiful performance from Atkins (and might I add dapper) the director has the nerve, the shear gall to gun down Atkins. I do have to say though that the scene is realistic as in reality it would take a hail of 1000 bullets to bring down the mustache that saved Chicago from the great fire (again gotta check those facts). At this point we are meant to finish this movie Atkinsless with Black Cop and Antisemtic Actor taking down the baddies. Bbbboooorrrrriiiinnnnggggg! This is the point where I tuned out of the movie and got on the internet to look up shirtless pictures of Atki....I mean Jamie Lee Curtis. I never did completely finish the movie though. I did see a few fight scenes and Al Leong showing up in there somewhere. I just assume the ending involves Atkins resurrecting himself and calling all the local tv stations so they yank the Silver Shamrock commercials. What went wrong here? You had an awesome cast of which they did nothing with. You have Black Cop lolly gagging around with Antisemitic Actor when the real interest of the project is obviously the character of Hunsaker. I mean he's the one with the dead daughter, the REAL world problems we all have and of course the sweetest 'stache this side of Wilfred Brimly. Why are we stuck watching these no name actors? The struggle and strife of his character would have more than held the audience's attention. This could have been a terrific character study and would have more than likely won Atkins his much deserved Academy Award. Honestly this would make an awesome one man show on Broadway. Tom Atkins on stage lit only with a spotlight; an ashtray on a stool next to a particularly flavorful Brandy with a Scotch chaser. Christ I can even smell the Tony Award (hey if Hugh Jackman can win one don't count out Atkins). As far as the direction of the movie goes, we've already discussed his lack of recognition of his key actor, but this guy Donner does know how to set up a camera and properly light The 'Stache. The glimmer and glow revivals that of the light of God itself. The writing is all top notch, especially in the Hunsaker scenes, but tends to lack when it comes to Black Cop and Antisemitic actor. They're just so boring and suspiciously lacking in mustache fortitude. If the idea they were going for was a "buddy cop" movie, I'll stick with Freebie and the Bean if it's all the same to you.
I'd say give this movie a try if in your into brilliant scenes of acting in the middle of doddling cop melodrama. Just be prepared to have your fast forward button ready. Wait...you mean Atkins originally tried out for the part played by Black Cop? Oh you're dead Donner you're so dead.
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