Naked Lady Body Builders Fight 8 ft Tall Schizo Poodle

by I. Alexander Nash

Rating system:

(0) - Shit
* - Not great but not total shit
** - Average
*** - Above Average
**** - Masterpiece

Cult Point System:

0(CP) - Star Wars
1(CP) - A Christmas Story, The Goonies
2(CP) - Predator
3(CP) - From Dusk Till Dawn
4(CP) - Puppetmaster
5(CP) - Bubba Ho Tep, Toxic Avenger, Night of the Living Dead, Tango and Cash

The Barbarians
1987
* and 3CP

During the 1980's, movie producers were searching for the next big action movie star.  For some reason to be an action star you had to have huge muscles, look like a freak and positively shiny with body oils.  Of course Bruce Willis shattered that myth with Die Hard.  Before that groundbreaking film though, you still have the left overs of stars that just never were.  That’s where the Barbarian Brothers come in.  These twin body builders were not from a foreign land, rather they just had garbled American accents.  They unintentionally went "Full Retard."  These two douches couldn’t act their way out of a wet paper bag.  They know how to flex, but when they start cutting up and cracking wise you realize how poor the American school system has gotten.  This is just your basic Conan rip-off starring these two brothers.  Not a good movie.  Directed by Ruggero (Cannibal Holocaust) Deodato of all people.  Too bad no one get's eaten or speared in the vag.  Featuring Planet of the Apes extra George Eastman.

Blood Salvage 
1990
* and 2CP

Movie shot in an around Atlanta Georgia that was also produced by Evander Hollifield (noted by his inappropriate cameo).  Genre film god John Saxon and his annoying family have car trouble putting them into the hands of a crazy junkyard owner.  Fred Sandford and his sons run an auto yard as well as deal human organs on the black market.  They kidnap them, sell their cars, and then keep the hopeless bastards on ice.  The crazy father takes a shine to the crippled daughter wanting to turn her into his own Handicapable Barbie.  He holds the wheelchair bound girl in his home, while he's selling her family off piece by piece.  This film was a big deal at the time as it passed the ratings board with almost no cuts whatsoever.  The only scene that apparently was objectionable was a scene where yellow (Gatorade) goo pours from a wound.  These people were really trying to make the next Chainsaw Massacre and succeeding in making the next Woodchipper Massacre.   

 Clean, Shaven
1993
*** ½ and 4CP

Insane dude escapes from the booby hatch to visit his daughter.  Along the way a cop is trying to solve a murder of a child.  Clean, Shaven contains some of the most jarring imagery committed to film.  Peter (Zed’s dead baby, Zed’s dead) Green plays the psycho to creepy perfection.  He freaks out and scrubs himself with steal wool until he’s raw.  He tries to block out the “transmissions” with tin foil and the usual loony accoutrements.  At one point he removes his finger nail with a pocket knife to remove a transmitter he believes is under his skin.  Ouch!  Probably the most distasteful scenes in this movie involve some very real looking child autopsy footage.  The cop angle seems a little bit forced, but Peter Green’s performance as well as the spot on writing of a schizo make this film a worthy watch.

BONEYARD, THE
1991
** and 3(CP)

Strange occurrences, played for laughs, at the city morgue when a group of people have to fight crazy Japanese demon midgets.  Goes off in some strange directions including a 6 foot tall poodle creature that is extremely pissed.  Bad film for bad film lovers. With Phyllis Diller and Norman Fell with a ponytail.  With a cast that old it earns it’s title. 

The Adventures of Lucky Pierre
1961
 * and 5(CP)

This was H.G (Blood Feast) Lewis’ first real film.  This is also the first time teaming of classic production team Lewis and Friedman.  This is just a nudie cutey and nothing more.  Lucky Pierre is a photographer who goes to a nudist camp to film it.  The outfit is a striped shirt, curly mustache and beret.  You know, what all French people wear.  Mainly this film consists of a bunch of shots of volleyball games, girls swimming and generally just girling around.  It’s like an old issue of playboy.  It doesn’t really turn you on, but you get nostalgic for women in torpedo bras and granny panties.

Evel Knievel and Chuck Norris Fight Lunatic Robots

by I. Alexander Nash

Rating system:

(0) - Shit
* - Not great but not total shit
** - Average
*** - Above Average
**** - Masterpiece

Cult Point System:

0(CP) - Star Wars
1(CP) - A Christmas Story, The Goonies
2(CP) - Predator
3(CP) - From Dusk Till Dawn
4(CP) - Puppetmaster
5(CP) - Bubba Ho Tep, Toxic Avenger, Night of the Living Dead, Tango and Cash

The Jar
1984
(0) and 4(CP)

I drank a potent hallucinogenic mushroom brew, out of the skull of a murdered holy man.  The brew was made by an Amazonian High Priest who had castrated himself to live on a higher plane of existence by becoming the perfect unisex.  He said, “You go!”  And I said “I go!?!”  “You Go!”  So I went.  I ran naked in the jungle experiencing life as Cheetah, the Lone One.  I took the eldest daughter of the chiefs tribe as my wife.  We lived a nomadic existence of picking berries and eating the holy lotus root, copulating and giving birth to one son, this movie. This is only way that something like this movie could possibly exist.  Mad jungle fucking on holy drugs.  Some lame prematurely balding college professor comes into possession of a jar that contains a weird little mutated fetus.  He takes it home and proceeds to trip out even going so far as imagining himself as Jesus being crucified.  Plus he freaks out about fire, demons, witch craft, sacrifices that sort of thing.  There is no rhyme or reason to this movie.  Just a couple of people in the early 80's with a shitty camera and an even shittier idea.  Watch some bearded fruit freak out for an hour and a half, big whoop.

Splatter University
1984
* and 3(CP)

Slasher film that attempts to poke fun at the genre and ends up failing miserably.  Problem with this movie is it tries to comment on the slasher genre but turns into being exactly what it's commenting on.  Plus, when you are doing a whodunit story, it helps not to show the stalking killer priest's face all through your trailer.  Oops!  I've ruined it for you, but the producers did that way before I did.

LUNATICS: A LOVE STORY

1991

 *** and 4(CP)

Ted (Sam’s Bro) Raimi and Deborah (April Fools Day) Forman, star in this film about two lonely lost people who meet on the streets of Los Angeles.  Raimi is a reclusive poet who has not left his apartment in over six months.  He has food delivered while he hides under his bed hallucinating about the spiders that live in his brain.  Forman has just arrived in town with her less than faithful boyfriend played by Bruce Campbell.  After Campbell leaves Forman, she needs a place to stay and happens upon Raimi and his weird ways.  This movie is pretty different than most.  Two people, who are both on the brink of a total breakdown, finding each other in the cruel city and find hope in each others arms.  The film is never totally straight.  It’s comedic and strange at the same time.  When Raimi must look for Forman, he leaves his apartment covers himself in tin foil for protection, and fights the imaginary spiders that chase him through the city.  Kooky.  A different film with good performances and a certain degree of style.  This is Raimi’s best performance, right after “You can count on my steel.” guy from Army of Darkness.  

Robot Holocaust

1986

(0) and 4(CP)

Whoa daddy this little turd can turn your hair white and straighten out a crooked spine.  Imagine you have rented a really cheap Conan rip off movie.  A swordsman gathers a crew so that he may storm the castle, save the girl and coincidentally save the planet.  Now, take that Conan movie, set it in the future and add some shitty robots.  Everything about this movie is bad.  From the acting all the way down to the worm hand puppets and Amazonian leopard print Flintstones' sarongs.  The lead actress in this movie has a completely undefinable accent.  Pretty sure she's from the country as Natalie from Verewolf, I mean Werewolf.  All the robots in this movie are gay.  Like Message from Space gay.  Yes, even gayer than C-3PO.  Totally filmed in and around an old project in Jersey.  

 

Silent Rage

1982

** and 3(CP)

Has Chuck Norris met his match?  In what play like a bad Norris joke, Chuck plays a town sheriff who ends up killing a suicidal psychopath in the line of duty.  The young man is then brought back to life through medical science and goes on a Terminator like killing spree.  The only thing that can stop him is about six roundhouse kicks to the face.  So, it's fitting that it's Chuck that stops him considering it's the only move he knows.  Actual one of the better Chuck movies as this one plays like a slasher film and not an episode of Walker Texas Ranger.  Scratch that, it still plays exactly like an episode of Walker.  

Unholy

1988

* and 3(CP)

Priest fucks and battles a woman who happens to be a demon.  Albeit vicious at times the effects are few and far between.  We get a few interesting dream sequences that tease till the final showdown involving one dumb puppet and some midgets in rubber demon suits.  Long on promise short on delivery.

Children of the Corn 2-The Final Sacrifice

1993

* and 2(CP)

Typical direct to video franchise cash in, with the only trouble being that it was released theatrically.  Continues the "He Who Walks Behind the Rows" concept with the addition of far past their expiration date teenagers, your local community theater gay as their leader and a suspiciously absent CGI sequence that was in the trailer you advertising pricks.  With it's lack of gore or violence it's purely sluggish from it's beginning to it's end.  Where's the Morton's salt girl to put this creature to death? 

UNNAMABLE II

1992  

(0) and 3(CP)

One of the worst H.P. Lovecraft movies ever made.  Goat like she creature demon is studied by college kids and released on the world.  This thing doesn’t make any sense nor do you care.  Watch it with someone you love.  Then tell them to burn your eyes out with hot skewers.  Cheesefest.

Vacancy

2007

½ and 1(CP)

Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale stop at a motel and get stalked by a very pedo looking Frank Whaley. 

So, this movie has nothing going for it.  That's not true the first ten minutes of Luke Wilson banter is pretty engaging.  Then they get to the motel and its down hill from then on.  Guys make snuff films about their borders.  That's it.  Other than that its them trying to find a phone or a car.  Boring boring boring.  Plus they straight up steal the concept from Mountaintop Motel Massacre.  There's tunnels under the rooms via an opening under the bathroom rug, just like Mountaintop.  Nothing new here.  See that movie and skip this bullshit.  

VIVA KNIEVEL! 

1977

**** and 5(CP)

It's been awhile since i've seen this one, so bear with me. Viva Knievel (not to be confused with the Evel Knievel movie with George Hamilton) stars Evel Knievel as himself. He jumps cars, buses, etc. Evel shit. As the legendary stuntman travels to Mexico to prepare for one of his greatest stunts yet, he takes time out of his schedule to meet his fans, help out lonely orphans and try to get his alcoholic mechanic to reconcile with his son (oh yeah and he tries to pork Lauren Hutton the whole time). Evel get's hired by Mexico (yeah not a company just by the country Mexico) to do a huge stunt. The man hiring him is none other than Leslie Nielsen. Leslie is a Mexican Cocaine lord (don't you already want to see this movie?) who wants Evel's stunt to go haywire to kill Evel, so he can smuggle cocaine in Evel's coffin across the boarder. "They won't check the casket of an American Hero." says Leslie. So Evel runs his mouth about America for about 60 minutes, and then goes to Mexico for the jump. Of course he finds out about the plan. Evel is unhappy very unhappy...and sadly still mildly racist. Leslie get's in the truck with Peruvian delight stuff casket and tries to run away from the jump extravaganza. Evel follows him in a white knuckle desert chase. This is the only film in the history of world that contains a car chase that ends with a Mac Truck being wrecked only by a man on a motorcycle jumping over him repeatedly. That's how he stops him. Jumping over the truck till it wrecks. Wow. This movie is fucking awesome. If you are a fan of the 70's or Evel or just psychotronic movies, check this sucker out.  With Red Buttons, Marjoe Gortner, Frank Gifford, Cameron Mitchell, Dabney Coleman, Gene Kelly need I fucking go on?  Highest Recommendation