This book will be about cult and horror films throughout the years, and it runs on a very basic system that I'll explain to you now. The films have typical one to four star reviews represented by * for 1 star to **** for four stars. Since cult films can have a wide variety of interest to different people, the films also have "Cult Points" to show how cult worthy some of these can be. Cult points run from 1 to 5. So basically some films can have 0 stars because they are terrible films, but can earn cult classic status for being so weird they're enjoyable.
Example: Dawn of the Dead 1978 - **** and 5(CP) Fucking awesome movie as well as being a cult film. Plan 9 from Outer Space - (0 stars) and 5(CP) Shitty movie but a cult classic none the less. Or you can go so far as this piece of shit: House of the Dead (0 stars) and 0(CP).
It's a pretty basic system and for those of you saying "This is a hell of a lot like the Deep Red Gore Score," well those people are correct actually. It's pretty much pilfered from that, but with it's own sort of joie de vivre. If you don't understand the rating system, you'll pick up on it soon enough, and if you don't then fuck you I don't have time to hold your hand like your mother did when the first appearance of E.T. scared the shit out of you. I have puppies I should be bottle feeding right now.
1983
*** and 5(CP)
Chuck Bronson is the man. That is all you need to know, but since I like hearing myself talk I’ll continue. Chuck is a cop who is on the trail of a serial killer who prefers to kill in the nude with his cock bouncing around. Guy stabs women that insulted him, all the while providing himself with air tight alibis. After the pantsless killer gets too close to Chuck’s daughter, it gets personal as it always does with Chuck. Classic “Thriller” that has Chuck saying great lines like “You know what this is don’t ya? It’s for jacking off isn’t it!?!” Or “I Hate quiesce.” Why’d you get it? “I thought it was pie. Cole slaw makes me want to puke.” Claims to be a retelling of the Richard Speck story, but only because he kills some nurses in the process. Highly Recommended For Chuck Bronson fans. With Andrew Stevens and Geoffrey Lewis.
The Chilling
1989
(0) and 3(CP)
Dan (Grizzly Adams) Haggerty checks out of rehab to star in this no-budget direct to video zombie popsicle movie. The freezers break down
at the local Cryogenics lab unleashing foil wrapped zombies donned in
blue Halloween masks. This thing is just
cheap from start to finish. You don’t
buy any of the plot, nor the acting.
Mainly just an exercise in shuffling around extras and keeping the star away from the pharmaceutical craft service table. With Linda Blair and Troy Donahue.
Can’t Stop the Music
1980
(0) and 5(CP)
Could be
the gayest musical of all time, and that’s saying something. Steve (Police Academy) Guttenburg plays the manager of a disco
group played by the Village People. Many questionable musical numbers and full frontal male nudity which is confusing for a PG rated film. You can
take comfort in the fact that everyone involved was high on cocaine during the
entire process of shooting this movie. A
disco movie for the disco generation...and most of them are dead.
Meet
the Feebles
1989
*** and 5(CP)
Long before Academy Awards and Hobbit potty training came Peter Jackson’s second film about a Muppet like TV show and how the
Muppets are real life people with drug problems, sexual addictions, and huge huge egos. Caused a stir at the time for
being a movie starring puppets for adults. Infamous scenes of violence, a walrus fucking a cat,
a rabbit with AIDS, crucified Kermit Jesus, s&m between a roach and a
cow and a jaw dropping musical number titled Sodomy. Pretty fucking wacked out shit. It may not be an Orc style epic, but worth a look just for
shits and giggles.
Shallow
Ground
2004
**½ and 2(CP)
A shot on video cheap-o film that actually tries to have a story for once. After finding a blood soaked naked boy in the
woods, the town sheriff beings to unravel a murder mystery that is covering the
nation. The gist is, naked bloody people begin to show up everywhere. They are
not solid matter,
but
just made of blood and memories. They
are all the blood that has been spilled due to violent acts now returning to exact their
revenge. Not anything revolutionary, but
it has a hell of an original story. The
acting could be a bit better, but it's fucking Shakespeare compared to many of the cheap-o’s
on the market. A few henky CGI effects now and then, but just close your eyes
and say “I do believe in computers, I do believe in computers.”
Little
Corey Gory
1993
1/2 and 2(CP)
I don’t know where this movie came from, but I guess you could call
it a snuff film in that none of these people were ever seen again. Corey Gory moves to a new town with his
douche bag brother and his fat drunk mother.
Billy likes a girl at school.
She’s looks like a Poison video extra i.e she's kind of a whore. He promises her Ozzy tickets. After he buy the tickets, his brother steals
them, takes the girl and makes Corey smell his finger. After struggling with his brother, Corey
knocks him into
the
glass shower which in turn cuts off his brother's arm after no immediate injuries are apparent (the
only funny
thing in the film). He ties his mom to
the couch and starves her while the whore and he
look
for a pound of coke his brother was suppose to have (A pound? That’s a lot of coke for this
with
trash guy.). Corey ends up killing a few
more people, having a wild party, and blaming the
whole
thing on his recently freed mother who tries to stab him. That’s your payoff. This thing could possibly be more white trash than
Roadhouse, the test results are still out on it though. Everyone in it looks like they
are in between their next Herpes
breakout. The walls are covered in grime
and shit. Far as I can tell, these
aren’t sets. These are real locations
with real white trash actors. Pretty
fucking lame.
Grim
1995
* and 2(CP)
Big rubber troll lives in
tunnels under some British condos.
Yuppies go into the caverns and investigate. Needless to say, some get turned to troll
poo.
 |
| Hell even I want to sue |
Evils of the Night
1985
½
and 2CP
Mardi Rustam, the producer
of Tobe Hooper’s Eaten Alive, directs this murky movie about your typical space
vampires. Human looking aliens, in their best Adidas track suits, steal the blood from teens so that they can make their space
booze. I'm assuming it's booze as Neville Brand is involved. This movie stars a few of
Hollywood’s forgotten children, although you can’t tell considering all the
prints of this movie look like they were filmed at the bottom of the
Mississippi River. Works as a 1950's piece of goofy sci-fi film, trouble is it was made in 1985. Strangely enough, no Aldo Ray.
The Crippled Masters
1979
** and 5(CP)
The kung fu
duo you’ve been waiting a lifetime and a half to see. Two men are chopped and burned with acid
making them crippled and disgraced. The
leave their respective villages only to meet and learn karate from a classic
old master. Now they have the skills to
pay the bills, it’s revenge time on the rice paddy tonight. This thing makes a tiny chunk of vomit rise
in my throat every time I see it. One of
the masters has no legs. I take that
back. He has legs, they are just as thin, gross
and atrophied as pipe cleaners. The
other master is missing his arms, with the exception of a little nub he
twirls his fighting stick with. F.asjkldffhsdlaff...Sorry I got a little bit of
puke in the key board thinking about it.
The guy with no legs twirls around on his hands hitting people with his
dangling useless appendages. No arms
kicks a hell of a lot of the time until he get’s out that staff and proceeds to
make me sick to my stomach. It’s your
classic kung-fu movie with an insane twist.
Super Fuzz (aka Super Snooper)
1980
** and 4(CP)
You better love the opening credits
song as it's the only score in the whole film. Hey, I can get down with
the disco. Italian man is inexplicably a Miami based cop granted super
powers when a nuclear missile blows up in his face while he is trying
to serve a summons in a wigwam. The only problem is his powers go away
when he sees the color red. So you know for a fact he's never earned
his "red wings." Painfully stupid Italian gag comedy containing all the
dumb reverse film fight scenes and poor dubbing we've all come to know
and love. Terence Hill is always likeable and keeps the mood light with
his typical deer in headlights Rocky from Rocky Horror type
performance. With Ernest Borgnine acting like my drunk uncle.
