Brazil is a country not typically known for their horror films. They do in fact have a fairly rich history for producing fright films and the like. What people commonly associate with Brazilian horror is the stellar Coffin Joe series. Coffin Joe is a diabolical mortician type character created by director/actor/writer José Mojica Marins. He starred in a few films focusing on the character of Coffin Joe himself and went on to become a horror and media icon for Brazil. He's been in movies, hosted tv shows and I wouldn't be surprised if he starred on a couple of lunch boxes as well. A horror icon that will be remembered for years and years to come. Trouble with all of this is, we aren't here to talk about Coffin Joe. Sadly we are here to talk about a lesser entry in the Brazilian horror market and even a hell of a lot lesser in the world market. God, do I wish we were talking about Joe because...well, there's actually information available on him. We are going to discuss a director who made a very small bloody splash in horror from 1989 to 1990, Fauzi Mansur.
When I went to do research on this guy I quickly discovered there is not much research to be done. As it turns out most any information on Mansur is predominately featured on websites in fucking Portuguese. Since I don't fucking speak Portuguese, and most of the world doesn't either, I will just be giving you the information as I see it, which isn't much. The main reason we're talking about Mansur is because he created two films that have been notorious over the years. Notorious for being incredibly rare and extremely gory. Notice I didn't say "good" in that sentence. From what I can gather from different resources Mansur was primarily a porn director over the years, with such winning entries in that genre as "O Inseto do Amor," "Sexo Animal," as well as "AIDS, Furor do Sexo Explícito." Swell sounding guy. Pretty sure he needs to be involved in Toy Story 5, but don't quote me on that as I don't want to end up on any more websites. I'm thinking Fauzi wanted to open up to a wider audience than something like "Sexo Animal" could bring him, so he took the next logical step into the horror field. He did so with the two films Ritual of Death and Satanic Attraction.
The way my attention was brought to these films was through early VHS bootleg catalog ordering. I was a huge fan of the work of horror author/reviewer/artist Chas. Balun. Balun had made mentioned of these two films several times through the years. His reviews were less than glowing on Mansur's films but he always made mention of the fact that they were gory as hell (or as Chas. would always put it "Certified Chunk Blowers"). Chas and I didn't always see eye to eye on some films, but without question Balun was not wrong about these. For years I tried to track these movies down; even at the point when movies became readily available on the internet, Mansur's cinema genocides were always elusive. Now that everything, and I do stress EVERYTHING, is available on the internet I finally was able to obtain my own copies of these sort of could pass as films. They were so not worth the wait. Kinda like waiting to get married before you plow your wife for the first time. You really should have just got that drunk weeping handjob from her sister at the wedding, cause it was going to happen years later anyway. Enough yacking about me and my crimes. Mansur!
Weren't you in The Horror Show with Lance Henriksen?
The first thing you notice about Ritual of Death are the opening credits where the "Indians" are credited to the BSG company. So, apparently they had to rent some natives to show up in this shit. Ritual Of Death revolves around a local group of way off off off Broadway (considering it's Brazil I would say that's a little further away than the Lower Eastside) actors visiting a history lecture where they learn about how their rented indigenous people were all influenced by the Egyptian's and stole all their magic tricks like 12th century Cris Angels. They learn that there is an evil book containing all of these rituals because Mansur had recently seen Evil Dead. Brad...wait...this Brazilian dude who doesn't speak a lick of English is named Brad? You know how I know he speaks English like Borat? Simple, everyone is fucking dubbed. And dubbed like shit. Although I will say if this thing was subtitle it would be so much harder of a sit. So Brad...ahem...Brad is told by one of the head honchos named Jim...whatever. Jim tells fucking Brad that they need to steal this book so they can use the rituals in their new performance to make it more authentic. Listen, I've seen bits of their play and the only thing that's going to authenticate it might be some acting classes cause these twats act like giraffes fuck, awkwardly. Brad has a hallucination of this ritual performed and is approached by a man right out of a René Magritte painting, who has melty goo spewing hands. After snapping back into reality, Brad steals the book and shit immediately hits their safety deficient wind machine. Jim and some casting couch bimbo play naked keep away with a severed goats head in a blood filed bathtub. And I'm assuming that has something to do with the ritual(?) It either that or they're both just huge Island of Death fans. Brad gets an intense craving for raw meat like he's Grant Grant from Slither, as well as a bunch of Frogs inhabiting his room obviously mistaking him for Ray Milland. One night Brad wakes from a cold sweat and starts to get an extreme case of pizza face that makes him melt and causes him to look like Brion James in the poster art.
Yeah I've seen The Fly too.
This is where Ritual of Death disposes of a niceties and earns it's 10 on the vomit score board (I don't know how to read the numbers on it myself). During a dress rehearsal, Brad dons the outfit from Bloody Pit of Horror and nearly strangles his mistress. Attempted murder charges not withstanding, Brad runs off to begin his service in the Ritual of Death...which basically amounts to him walking around with a chain like George the Animal Steal and perpetrating several greasy murders. Which never really accounts for the part where he spews green foam like he's Warren from Class of Nuke'em High. See Jim wanted to bring his uncle (the for mentioned apple-less Magritte) and cult leader back from the dead. Apparently he needs a living body to inhabit, which never explains why Brad is turning people into Alpo left and right even doing a Fulci to Jim's face. Question, do eyeballs float? I guess it's best not to question physics in a Mansur film.
No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!!
What we are all here for anyway are the not so elaborate yet visceral killings. The murder count: we have Jim's eyes being turned into bath time buddies; a stabbing where she is inexplicably run over by a train wheel; an attempted and botched knife deep throating; a girl eviscerated by a claw hammer; a bloodless chain choking; a fake out of being ground up by the wind machine but then run over and bisected by it only then to have the next character have acid thrown in his face and then cut in half by the wind machine; and a bevy of zombie type bodies poly-bagged like Spider-Man issue 1. The kills in this movie are where it's at. It certainly isn't craftsmanship or the white goo that pours out of Brad's head at the drop of a severed hand. I just won't pay to see white goo now. I can make my own white goo, there's no need in spending hard earned dollars on it. The kills are the star and the kills alone. This is not cinema as art but cinema as commerce. I don't mind it too much either. It may be uneven and fucked up as a solid piece of film making, but can be entirely enjoyable as an exploitation shit fest. Ignore the story and ignore the acting. It's kinda like watching Romano Scavolini's Nightmare. You're there to see some blood, tits and the occasional bit of pig guts. This shit delivers hand over fist...but still manages to be a incredibly long watch. Totally lacking in any socially redeeming value.
Does this make me look fat?
Fauzi Mansur has to be a huge Venom fan.
The next movie Fauzi (or Fozzie Bear if you're a Furry) did for the horror genre is a lovely bit of family entertainment named Satanic Attraction. This movie has even less of a distinguishable plot than Ritual of Death. I think maybe somebody's word processor got the first Black Sabbath and Slayer albums spilled on it before finally printing out a mess of a script complete with sprocket holes. We open with a bunch of random shots of people doing blood rituals in goat masks only to reveal little blonde Aryan children locking bloody wrists. We cut to years later where a radio DJ recites the story of a mad slasher killing random people for their blood to resurrect his dead sister that he truly wants to fuck. Wouldn't you know it, that's exactly what's happening in the film. A guy (who must have thought he was in an Argento film due to his black leather gloves and suit) runs around dismantling people in creative ways so that his deceased love may live again, all the while the dumbest blonde (even dumber than Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears and Billy Zabka combined) DJ improvs the exact same story over the open waves...why isn't she immediately arrested? Sure, the cops eventually interview her, but she has an alibi. Still, alibi or not, if this bitch has all the details without being prompted you arrest that ass. No, they just immediately buy into this bullshit psychic business, plus they're just happy people are listening to the radio again(?) Shit her husband turns up dead halfway through the movie! Why is this bitch not in cuffs? They arrested Chong simply for owning that one bong...making factory.
Which came first, the Bava or the egg?
DJ Dumb Maus tends to have tons of dreams about some lady in rubber corpse makeup stalking her, but that's okay as it actually is a character running around in rubber corpse makeup. So, at least that bit of shittiness pays off for them. The rubber rotter is pretending to be the guy who's doing the killings sister to encourage him...or something. This movie is vague as shit. Questions are never answered. Mysticism is thrown around at the drop of a hat to explain away all these things but is never explained itself. Hell even their big reveal at the end isn't a big reveal as you can't differentiate one person's face from another. But I guess if you need a mastermind fingered here than I'll tell you...Oh Hi it's you again Brad. This one guy is doing the killings cause fucking Brad tricked him into doing it. There that's all I fucking know. I'm not trying to withhold information here, I simply don't have it. I mean why would they have to trick this guy into doing the killings when he's in this murder cult anyway? And why the hell does the murderer disappear at the end when he dies!?! We just watch him dissolve out like he's Teddy Duchamp. Then some pregnant reporter has twins who I assume will grow up to wanna fuck each other like that dark episode of the Suite Life with Zak and Cody. It's not a whodunit as much as it is a whydunit which I've never encountered personally. It just keeps going around in circles pointing the blame and reasons in different directions and at the end of the day the answer is the answer to every question that this sick world produces: Satan.
You've got red on you.
The real satanic attraction here are the copious amounts of blood and entrails that are spilled all in the name of Love, Incest Style shana na na na: we have a girl stabbed and then bled into a bucket (don't forget her hacked of foot which is feed to a lion); the ol' razor blade in your bar of soap gag and then split in the head like Crazy Fat Ethel's sister's boyfriend; taking a page out of Friday the 13th part 2's playbook (which was Mario Bava's playbook to begin with) he gives the couple the two for one spear special; a dead body that gets the Miike foot treatment; eviscerated in a hammock only for her pig guts to get dirty with sand yuck; a fancy decapitation; stabbed through a door; neck harpooned; and my personal favorite pick axe in the My Bloody Valentine. You so get your moneys worth on the kills with this one. They are always bloody and prevalent. Trouble is you have to sit through an nearly 120 minutes of dumb cop/dj/naval officer(?) talk to get there. Fauzi may be shit with actors, although it is hard to direct someone whose talking with a cock not in their mouth, but he sure has a way of really throwing the blood around and making it somewhat interesting.
I ain't got no bod...yes I do it's right there.
These are truthfully bad movies, but they are so much fucking fun. You don't have to pay attention the entire time. Christ I would question your sanity if you did. These are the kinds of movies that made 80's horror great. You could ignore it and pick the gist of it right back up. If you didn't, it didn't matter as there was plenty to view anyway. What spells the death of horror cinema is shaky lost footage found shit with a creepy kid that has a cgi altered giant black mouth and eyes. You watch them once and forget them. With something like the Fazui Mansur movies they do warrant repeat viewing if only to see slaughter house leftovers fly at your face. The definition of a wet horror movie. Fauzi returned to porn and never has made another horror film. Sorry Fauzi I'd prefer seeing blood from you as apposed to semen.
Roland Emmerich you delightful little cocksucker. You have brought us so many great films and so much joy. You gave us The Day After Tomorrow...well that one kinda sucked; but how about 10,000 B.C.? Scratch that one too. But who doesn't love Independence Day or the Patriot? Well actually I don't like either of those movies. Hmm. How about Universal Soldier? Okay, pretty shitty. Godzilla? Okay, so you've made pretty much all terrible movies that have gnoshed on my soul for the last 30 years causing me great pain and suffering. Moon 44 wasn't half bad but that's like saying John Wayne Gacy wasn't too bad because he only killed 27 people instead of 30. You're like the anti-Spielberg. Where as Spielberg makes large budget special effects garbage films, he at least tries to impart some sort of character and soul into the movie. He may be batting 50% but he at least tries. You've tried to make those type of films for years and have continued to crap it up. Did Jim Carey give you a bunch of Ex lax for trying to steal his woman and now you're shitting out so many awful films. Too bad the toilet is broken in this case as well.
Before Emmerich started spending 300 million to destroy half the planet per film, he brought to America his German version of childhood whimsy. His premier American film was a little slice of insanity called Making Contact (aka Joey). Making Contact contains probably the creepiest squat ventriloquist dummy ever registered on film all wrapped into a less than tidy E.T. style package. More about that film later as we are discussing his second foray into American films with supposed family film Hollywood Monster or Ghost Chase as it's know in America.
The cast of Fraggle Rock falls on hard times.
Even in German the movie sounds fucking stupid
The film opens with it's Mannequin inspired credits sequence only to immediately tease your cock with a scene from Night of the Living Dead. Terrible idea for a start. As soon as I saw that I took it out of the player and cued up Night. Killed it real early there Roland. After procrastinating and watching Night three times I, against better judgement, went back into Ghost Chase. It's so disgustingly 80's. It takes you a good five minutes to focus on anything besides the sunglasses, jams and bomber jackets. We meet our leads, Jason Lively who played Chris in Night of the Creeps and Rusty in European Vacation as well as Jill Whitlow who played Cynthia in Night of the Cree...hey! You completely raided and stole both leads from Night of The Creeps. Eject. Okay, back to Ghost Chase after watching Night of the Creeps two times. Our favorite homecoming couple and their buddy who looks like Zack Morris are a trio of would be small time film makers who apparently use sweatshop employed children as their film crew. The Keystone kids are having money problems and can't finish their film. I don't see how they are having money troubles (as apposed to Monkey Troubles which means your being stalked by a Gypsy Harvey Keitel. frightening) as Bayside High's most bleached student is apparently a god damn mechanical genius decking their home out in the latest Pee Wee Herman technology. Get an engineering job Zack, Kelly Kapowski needs an Esprit shopping spree.
Time out!
It just so happens, as these things do, Clark's favorite son has inherited a clock and a bunch of left over photos from Ken Burn's Civil War. Through much dribbled shat out dialog and a Making Contact inspired dream sequence, we discover his grandfather was a rich old bastard who had his odd looking butler wall him into his mansion basement with all of his money 60 years ago and after creating the final set from Legend of Hellhouse, the butler died next to the clock. Oh, that's a great name for a Hardy Boys story, The Butler Who Died Next to the Clock. Too bad I'm only 40 years too late for that one. And since you are not all complete retards and had your 5 hour energy shots chased with Red Bull you should be able to figure out the ghost of the butler now lives inside the clock. Mr. Belding's nemesis wakes from his dream to craft a script based on
this idea. Not a great idea kid as I am currently watching a film based
on these concepts and I can already tell you it blows. Alright time
for an 80's montage! The kids start prepping the new idea by first
avoiding John Madden's bloated ass and stealing a bunch of shit from ACE
hardware. Good move Roland, encourage shop lifting in your children's
film. I wish Randy Quaid encouraged you to reenact the ending from
Independence Day.
I think Roland Emmerich was warning us about a future franchise he was going to ruin.
Simultaneously a plot develops as the head of a movie studio, played by Paul "Dick Vernon" Gleason, wants the clock for his own nefarious purposes. You see his father pulled a little bit of a Glenn Gary style swindle on old gramp's house and built a movie studio around the mansion. How Chief Robinson figured out the spirit of the butler, and therefore
the only person who knows where the money is, lives in the clock is
beyond fucking me. He just knows...and hopes to God that wasn't a hostage. The kids apparently fucked with the bull so Gleason sends out his German goon to retrieve the clock.
Are we not men?
Screech's hero (and yes these Saved by the Bell references will continue and get even thicker) decides to build an animatronic version of the butler for the film using his stolen goods. I mean really just get a job in special effects kid. Why the hell are you so poor when you can create Stan Winston magic from your very own V.R. rocket power chair? It's really just poor planning on your part. What I never understand is why the hell make the butler this very strange green Terrahawks reject. Even his animated ghost looks like this puppet. Doing research for this write up, it seems everyone believes that this butler is some kind of alien ghost or some such nonsense. There is never a mention of aliens in this movie. So doing the math: 2 + 2= you fucked up. With the addition of this bizarre British accented Muppet they have confused the whole plot to the point where 30 years later audiences are still confused. Whatever. I guess I'm just splitting crepe hairs here. The ghost, named Louis, possess the puppet and watches more Night of the Living Dead....(breaths heavily) this movie is destroying my copy of Night...good thing I have nine more copies in reserve. Louis informs our characters of the full plot of the movie, good thing he came in to save the script writers from the dreaded exposition monster. Now the ghost chase is on...whatever that means.
Tom Atkins is looking fucking rough.
The kids get involved in many hi jinx culminating in a treasure hunt in the soon to be destroyed mansion were the money is buried (and let me tell you the explosion of this house is the least impressive effect since those claymation scenes in Night Train to Terror). There's a ghost sword fight, some torture devices as well as another leftover scene from Making Contact towards the end of the film. If it seems we've gotten to the end rather quickly, you're not alone. This whole movie is so plot heavy at the beginning that when we get to the end it feels as abrupt as the ending to Saved by the Bell: The College Years (I told you it was coming). It takes forever for them to lay out the plot of this movie that when we finally get there it seems completely from left field and rushed. It seems like such a huge task getting at this money but when we finally get there they just get the money without many problems. It's like a ten minute scene. With something like this where you have so much build up to this goal you're just expecting some grandiose finale and what you get are the final moments of Land of the Dead. The only thing they really do is try to instill some sort of drama when they inevitably kill off Louis. Jessie Spano's neighbor get's all fucking teary and I guess the audience is suppose to as well. Hahaha. Ah Roland, when are you ever going to learn that German's have no emotions? Is that a racial slur? Oh well then fuck it. The kids get a shit ton of money and Gleason get's the boot. They take over the studio conceivably to make Zach and Kelly's Vegas Wedding Special. And oh shit, little mister green genes shows up driving the limo at the end. He didn't die after all. Yay! I'm so happy I could shit.
Sodomy is very very much apart of me!
This movie is fucking ridiculous. It's a kids movie with no humor for kids and certainly nothing for adults, unless those certain adults have recently experienced horrible brain trauma. It really is a movie without an audience which is why it has remained so obscure over the years. It tanked when it came out, and it continues to tank as some lost piece of film treasure. I'm just glad when it came time for me to dig it out from it's crypt I didn't have to ask the Hobgoblin's illegitimate father for directions.
Rolling Thunder. Now here is a fucking movie. It’s not
trash, it’s not grindhouse, it’s a mother fucking put this bitch on a
shrine and worship it movie.
You’ve got the 70’s sleaze, and a country that’s still angry over Vietnam, and hey what could be better?
Apocalypse
Now? That sold, angst, drama, depression, horror, brutality, oh man
Apocalypse Now just put in a level of concrete for the war film. Since
WWII there hadn’t been a masterpiece (The Green Berets? Fuck you, John
Wayne)
But wait, this little movie.. You’ve got this guy, this
bad-ass, held in a POW camp (him and John Mccain shared their own piss
pina coladas believe it or not) comes back home, back to home of the
brave land of the free, the good ol U.S of mother fuckin A, and his old
lady? Yeah she’s banging another dude.
Does he give a shit? No.
Why?
He’s been in Ho Chi Minhn’s Hilton. This mother fucker can’t even go to
bed without re-living some of the torture, pain, nightmares that he sat
and lived though. So what does he do? He takes it like a fucking man,
puts his weight on it and deals.
he deals.
But hey, who
wants to hear about an American soldier with Post Traumatic Stress (You
guys would rather hear about Miley Cyrus twerking I know don’t get
lost)
So in this weird old fashioned thing we used to
celebrate the men and women that served, died, or were held as prisoner.
The town throws this cat a ceremony, he gets some sweet “swag” (oh boy,
swag!”) for his time in hell.
And low and behold, some daft
sister fisting assholes decide they oughta claim that over him. So, long
story short, let’s get to the chase.
This guy, Major Charles
Rane, his family is murdered. Wife and kid, killed by these sleaze-bag
greasy shits, and he gets his fuckin hand stuffed down a garbage unit.
Ya know what he does? He gets a claw hand, sharpens it, saws off a shot
gun and calls in his number one. His brother from another mother.
And ya know what they do? They Roll some fucking Thunder.
My house...shit; I'm still only at my house...Every time I think I'm gonna wake up reviewing a movie. I'd wake up and there'd be nothing. I hardly said a word to my wife,
until I said "yes" to a microwave pizza. When I was here, I wanted to be there;
when I was there, all I could think of was getting back to reviewing movies.
I'm here a week now... waiting for an assignment... getting softer. Every
minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute someone on youtube uploads a video, he gets stronger. Each time I looked around the
walls moved in a little tighter. I proceeded to get wasted on cheap whiskey and dance around in my underwear while Nena whales about their 99 Luft Balloons. I quickly punch a mirror to get back in touch with reality. God do I miss Emilio. I collapse on the floor never feeling lower in my life. The wife finds me naked and crying; never feeling less sexually attracted to me. The assignment is here. Everyone gets everything they want. I wanted an assignment, and for my sins they gave me one. They brought it too me like room service...I never did get that microwave pizza though. It was a real choice assignment and when it was over I'd never want another. I was gonna watch the worst movie in the world and I didn't even know it yet. An hour and a half of the the stupidest shit committed to film all the way to the end. It was no accident that I got to be the caretaker of the movie 555's story, no more than it was an accident that I was naked when they arrived in that room. There is no way of telling it's story without telling my own.
At first I thought they handed me the wrong dossier. I couldn't believe they wanted this movie reviewed. Shot on video. No professional actors or film makers. About a thousand bad reviews online. I'd seen the clips on youtube and they really put a hook in me. Like they said it was impressively bad. Maybe too impressive...I mean perfectly shitty. It was being totted as the worst thing ever shot on video. It was buried for 25 years. Why the fuck would they try to bring it back? 2013 it ends up my problem.
There's a knock at my door. It was my brother...my escort to the mouth of the Nung River...I mean the Mom and Pop Video Store where I would pick up the tape. He wasn't suppose to be here for hours...that boy just couldn't stay put. He had just traded in his Kubrick collection for the Complete Jess Franco box set, and gone tearing around video store to video store looking for the shit. He looked at my wife laying in bed nauseated by sitting thru Wizards of Demon Sword. He asked, "Hey what's this? What is this?" I replied "She's hurtin' pretty bad. About the only thing holding her together are those pajamas. She wants a glass of Kool Aid. Dirty Twilight lover, she can drink puddle water." He screamed back at me, "Get out of here! Gimmie that Kool Aid. Get outta here or I'll kick your fuckin' ass! Any Twilight fan brave enough to sit through Fred Olen Ray can drink my Kool Aid any day." My brother had had a pretty good day. He made himself and some friends a couple of T-bones and beer; tried to turn The Phantom Menace into a screening party. The more he tried to make it Empire Strikes Back, the more they missed it. He wasn't a bad guy. He was one of those guys that had a weird light around him. You knew he wasn't gonna get so much as a scratch watching Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. He advised me that the particular video store we were going to was pretty hairy. When I informed him that they had an uncut copy of Yor Hunter from the Future there he yelled, "Well why the hell didn't ya tell me that before?!? There aren't any good Italian movies in this whole shitty town! It's all goddamn Hollywood studio films!" I informed him the fact that our friend Charlie had checked out that tape yesterday, he yelled back "Charlie don't know Reb Brown!" We got in his car where he proceeded to put a CD of Ride of the Valkyries in...which gave me a strange sense of deja vu. This whole experience seems to have happened somewhere before...nah. "Shall we dance?" he said as he tore ass down the roads as if he had a purpose. Almost as if he were a colonel in some sort of pointless South East Asian war. We drove faster than I'd ever been. We cut off cars, burned rubber and other descriptive words you use when trying to describe driving crazy. Once we got to the strip mall and the lady from the adjoining Chinese restaurant tried to set our car on fire, I knew we had arrived. "Ok man, quit hiding. Ok, let's go dickhead," he said. We entered the double doors and walked through the shoplifter sensors. He took a deep long breathe. "You smell that? Do you smell that? Stale popcorn and cigarette smoke son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of stale popcorn in the morning. The smell, you know that old dead feet smell, the whole video store. Smelled like victory...no I mean failure. It smells just like wasting your life watching shitty movies instead of getting laid or making friends. Someday these video stores are gonna end." Someday these video stores are gonna end. That would be just fine with most people. They weren't looking for more than a way to sit on their ass and watch things streaming from internet. Trouble is I've been there and know that it will be the same 250 movies rotated over and over again. It was seasons of your favorite shows, but only 30 movies pre-2003. There was enough of that to go around for everyone. I found 555 sitting on it's labeled shelf. I stared at it's hot pink video cover; it stared back at me with it's cold calculating decapitation photo penetrating my dark heart...my heart of darkness so to speak. I had no idea what I was getting into and no idea what it would turn me into. I grabbed the tape and left. Should have never got outta the car absolutely goddamn right. I referred back to the dossier to learn more.
555 was directed by Wally Koz in 1988. It was his one and only venture into the film making business. He split from the whole fucking program after that. He got into gold mining soon after. How did that happen? What did he see when he made 555? 48 fucking years old. If he joined the film industry he would never make it above shot on video. Koz knew what he was giving up. The more I read and began to understand, The more I admired him. His family and friends couldn't understand it, they couldn't talk him out of it. The next youngest guy on his gold claim was half his age. They must have thought he was some far out old man panning for gold. A tough mother fucker. He could have gone for the million dollar gold score, but he went for himself instead. The internet knew his name by now, and they were scared of him. I read a letter Koz wrote his wife from the gold mine: "Dear Linda, I'm afraid that both you and my brother Roy (writer of 555) would have been worried for not hearing from me these past weeks. But my situation here has become a difficult one. I've been officially accused of cinema atrocities by the United Internet Critics Association. The charges were unjustified. They are in fact, under the circumstances, completely insane. In film making there are many moments for compassion and tender action. There are many moments for ruthless action, for what is often called ruthless, what may in many and many circumstances be the only clarity; seeing clearly what there is to be done and doing it directly, quickly, aware...looking at it. I would trust you to tell my brother what you choose about this letter. As for the charges, I'm unconcerned. I'm beyond their timid, lying morality. And so I'm beyond caring.
You have all my faith.
Your loving husband."
555 was close. It was real close. I couldn't watch it yet, but I could feel it. As if this car was being pulled down this road. Whatever was going to happen, it wasn't gonna be like they thought. I read further as we arrived back at the house, never getting the full picture of what this movie was. Plenty more happened on the trip back like a run in with some Playboy Bunnies, a bridge blowing up and a freak occurrence where we had dinner with some French people. I'll just spare you the details as it really has no place in this review. The whole French dinner thing really seemed out of place here or anywhere else and that's why it's been mostly omitted from this report. I mean it was really pointless and didn't seem to have a purpose or a reason for being there like at all, so let us never speak of it again. My friend Hank was at my front door waving his hands and screaming, "It's all right! It's all right!" Hank was a scraggly bastard. His long hair chopped his face in half like a kaleidoscope while his beard sagged to his chest giving him the appearance of war torn photojournalist aged years before his time. He had spent his time with 555 and I think it changed him as a person forever. I asked him about his experience with 555.
"You don't watch 555 man, it watches you. Once you've seen and experienced what it is and what you are, it'll turn around and slap you in the face begging you to question yourself. Questions in your face saying do you know that 'if is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head watching 555 while all those around you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you . I mean no, I can't. I'm a little man and that's one shitty movie." I go in the house to look at other reviews of this film. After consulting the one thing 555 and Koz hated, the internet, I had found horrifying things. Like severed heads used as decoration, all the previous reviewers of this film had gone completely crazy or had ended up dead. I was a professional and come hell or high water I was going to complete my review, but all this had become unsettling like a Tom Six film. I could feel the darkness creeping up on me and filling my soul with...well...black stuff. Hank crept up behind startling me with a tap of my shoulder. With calm and half lidded eyes he said, "The reviews, you're looking at the reviews, I uh...sometimes 555 goes too far you know...Wally Koz would be the first one to admit it." I calmly replied, "You're drunk." His expression burned a hole straight through me while he screamed, "Wrong! Wrong! If you could have just seen me yesterday while I was watching it! You're gonna tell me I'm drunk?...alright fuck you I drunk as shit."
Everything I saw told me that 555 drove men insane. If I was still alive, it was because the movie wanted me that way. I went into my room to put the dreaded tape into the player. It smelled like slow death in there, boring plot line, shitty actors and production values, nightmares. This was the end of my journey alright.
The shitty hot pink opening credits flickered in my minds eye. The nightmare was beginning. The film quality reminded me of war footage I've seen before. Hap hazard and unprofessional...off the cuff. It opens with a clumsily staged murder by a guy in a hippy wig and beard. He's shirt gave me fits of seizure. After chopping the head of the male of the naked and copulating couple, he stabbed the girl with a sacrificial dagger. He pulls down his pants and mock humps her corpse. The police arrive and the nightmare grows stronger. Lots of shittily written police procedural dialog and bad jokes. This can only take me further down the drain pipe deeper into hell. We enter a pea soup green room and barely leave it for the full 90 minutes. The cops blame an old war vet for the crimes but have no proof. We introduce the D.A. and his female reporter girlfriend. She's a total bitch. I can barely stand to listen to her voice as it reverberates in my skull. Plus she looks like my mother another reminder of how much I don't want to do this. We get to another murder. It's basically the exact same scene played in repeat. I don't know if I can handle this. They bring the same old Marine in for questioning, but can't peg him down. The lady reporter decides to use her feminine whiles to get info on him. These two old people proceed to make out as he unbuttons her shirt and...oh my god! Is this 50 year old woman going to do a nude scene!?! As he exposes her saggy breasts, I stop the tape and run outside to hide in the shed.
Hank bolts outside to come and get me. Not so much for the sake of being concerned as much as it is to see what has happened. He twirls his beard and watches me rock back and forth in the fetal position. The blackness is consuming me throughout. "Dialectics. It's very simple dialectics. No maybes, no supposes,... no fractions...you can travel through space, you can't go out into spac..." I interrupt Hank, "What the fuck you talkin' about?" He pauses "Really dude I have no idea. I polished off that bottle of SoCo about half an hour ago and I'm just spacin, But there is one thing I can tell you, there's only love and hate, you either love a movie or you hate it!" "Then I fucking hate it," answering him. "You don't know that. You didn't finish that movie man. How do you know you hate it if you leave it hanging in the wind like an Arby's fart?" I throw my shoe at him at this point. "Is this the way it ends man!?! Look at the fucking shit you're in! And with that I'm fucking splitting Jack!" Hank runs off into the woods only to resurface much later hooked on Nitrous asking hookers to call him Daddy I presume. He was right though. I had Arby's earlier that day and wouldn't let the same thing happen to 555. It's judgement that defeats us. I put my big girl pants on and continued the film.
Horror has a face and you must make a friend of horror...but not just yet. I fast forward to after Delta Burke puts away her fun bags. As much as I thought there would be answers in completion, I was wrong. The cops continue to spout bad dialog and harass Beetle Bailey about the crimes. This is going nowhere. everyone knows he's not the killer, but yet they continue the charade that this is a whodunit film. Then something happens. One thing. One thing happens in this entire film. Another murder, this time with a top notch decapitation scene which shouldn't surprise me as it is the box cover imagery of the film. Thank god for tiny horrors. The cops figure out that he kills on the fifth month killing five people for five days for a tiny explanation of the title. I didn't want it, nor did I need it, but it is there. More bullshit cop dialog. I want to hunt them all down and assassinate them, but I'm merely a video store clerk sent to collect on late fees. Out of fucking nowhere the female reporter reveals that she has seen the D.A.'s high school year book and figured out he is the killer. What the fuck? They find him and gun him down. The end. The horror, the horror of this shitty fucking movie. It's not only poorly made but insulting in it's banality. It's been a waste of my life as well as my sanity. It never even attempts to entertain. It sits there like a sacrificial ox waiting for slaughter. I now understand why other reviewers went insane or turned up dead. There is literally nothing to talk about or even poke fun at with this film. It's like watching a home movie or a slasher film made by twelve year olds for a class project. It is the anti-cinema. It is absolutely nothing.
They were going to make me a site moderator for this and I wasn't even on their staff anymore. Everybody wanted me to do it, the movie itself most of all. I felt like it was sitting in the VCR waiting for me to take the pain away. Even Koz wanted it dead, and that's who it took it orders from anyway. I rubbed my body down in Bath and Body Works face mask and approach the VCR from the side quickly hitting the eject button. I throw the tape to the ground as Nena echos through my head. "99 Luftballons Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont Hielt man für Ufos aus dem All Darum schickte ein General..." I pick my laptop up from the desk and begin to bash the tape with all the anger and hate that I can muster. Bash! The viewer window breaks. Bash! The case itself snaps and breaks. "'ne Fliegerstaffel hinterher Alarm zu geben, wenn es so wär Dabei war'n da am Horizont Nur 99 Luftballons." Bash! The tape comes flying of the spindles. "99 Düsenjäger
Jeder war ein großer Krieger Hielten sich für Captain Kirk." Bash! The tape crinkles and twists. Bash! All of my thoughts and emotions are blank. I'm just a reviewer on a mission. I completed their fucking mission. I completed Koz's mission. Her old lady nipples still burned into my memory...the horror.
I put on my pajamas and bring my wife some Kool Aid. We lay down together and watch Twilight. After 555 nothing can be that bad...right? I still never got that microwave pizza.
That's a fucking bold ass statement. There really aren't that many slasher films that haven't been uplifted by fans and critics in this age of internet. There are plenty of youtube videos and blog pages full of reviews of these films. The question you're asking yourself right now is what makes this entry different from any of those? The answer is simple: I am a thousand times funnier than any of those people. You've probably heard of many of these movies before, but I have scrapped the bottom of the barrel to find the most esoteric of slasher films for this. Let me also state that these are primarily 1980's American and Canadian slasher films. Yes I'm sure there are tons of French, Italian, and...I don't know...Chilean slasher movies that many people haven't seen, but there's a certain joie de vivre to North American made slasher films. Maybe the Italians created it with giallo movies, but dammit, Americans perfected it and made it into the trashy art that it is today. They're listed in sort of in an order from easily available to rarest, but really, what the hell do I know. Many of these are out of print or only released on VHS, but if you're suave in your interneting I'm sure you'll have no problems tracking them down. Hint: a shit ton of them are fully uploaded on a popular streaming video website that starts with you and ends with lube. No wait, that's what most of my dates end in.
20. Slaughter High (aka April Fools Day)[1986]
Easily assessable British slasher film moonlighting as all American as apple pie, or welfare. Typical plot about high schoolers (or people in their mid-thirties) playing a prank on Marty the local nerd, causing his face to be sprayed with acid (after it falls off the top of a rickety self. sweet storage chemistry club). Marty gets his revenge after inviting all interested parties to a staged class reunion dispatching them in some what creative and graphic ways. What works in this movie are the murders, the soundtrack (Harry Manfredini of Friday the 13th fame) and the killers creepy old man jester's outfit. What doesn't work in this movie is the acting, the acting and the acting. All the actors use the worst faux American accents really disconnecting you from the story. Plus the very obvious British boarding school sets don't help this thing pass for American. Still, the kill scenes and the prerequisite Caroline Munro jiggling should keep your attention to the end. A notable entry in the slasher genre.
19. Just Before Dawn [1981]
Fairly prototypical backwoods slasher film with a very slight twist. Camping teens get attacked by rednecks in the woods. I know, I know. As glowing as that plot description sounds, this one really is a find. What sets this film apart from trash like Don't Go in the Woods is the superior acting and the amazing nature photography. Directed by Jeff (Squirm, Blue Sunshine) Lieberman, this is the one Friday the 13th clone that really works. Nothing new in the way of plot, but utilizes the greatest aspect that a "lost in the woods" movie can have, location. It's strange saying that one of the best things a slasher movie has going for it is the pretty waterfalls and greenery, but it really opens this movie up and gives it a scope that adds so much to the production value. Overall what makes this movie sing is the awesome performance by Greg (Slither, Super) Henry. Henry plays the typical slasher alpha male, but what makes his performance special is his degeneration into weak and scared excess baggage, opening up the opportunity for the survivor female to take her place. And what a fucking last survivor! The last stand finale of the film has yet to be topped in slasherdom. It has only been somewhat replicated by the film Feast. I won't ruin the twist ending for you, but let's just say there's a reason for the killer being in two places at once in this film. Better than The Final Terror and Wrong Turn combined. With George Kennedy batting clean up.
18. Sledgehammer [1983]
And now we're getting to the dregs. Video cameras became prevalent in the 1980's and everyone and their muscle bound Playgirl appearing brothers thought they could make a cheap horror film for the video market. They were not wrong. Made by the Prior brothers in 1983, Sledgehammer, the second shot on video movie ever, concerns a house full of trashy 80's people being stalked by a guy wearing a mask carrying a sledgehammer. Pretty basic slasher plot. It tends to meander in hallucinations, child abuse and I guess ghosts (?) as a back story for the non-seminal lead character. None of this makes much sense other than it's the typical previous evil that all slashers seem to have. Back story of the character aside, this movie is as junky as you think it is. It never get's interesting nor gory as most of the sledgehammer murders get as destructive as you you think they should. It basically ends up being a bunch of very unlikeable and ugly young adults throwing a boring party in a trashed house. The main point of the thing seems to be an excuse for Ted Prior to remove his shirt at the drop of a hat. Shot on video for the video market crap.
17. Rocktober Blood [1984]
This film came out in the height of the cock rock music genre. Cock rock and horror go hand and hand, it seems natural to mix the two. Rocktober Blood was one of the first to cross the two genres beating out Trick or Treat by about three years. It is also one of crappiest in the subgenre. The plot concerns a band named Rocktober Blood, who has many members murdered on the cusp of releasing a new album, seemingly by there lead singer Billy. Billy is charged with the crime and executed. The girl who fingered (not literally) him takes over as lead signer of the new line up of Rocktober Blood. When the murders start up again right before the release of the new album all fingers (man this guy loves to get fingered) point to Billy rising from the grave for revenge...or maybe the bitch has just huffed too much Pink Aquanet. When all cards are on the table you won't be impressed with the outcome. Ah hell I don't mind ruinnign this one for you. It's Billy's twin brother. Thrilling. Not a great slasher, but you haven't seen it...unless you have. And if you have, what the hell are doing reading this?
16. Hollowgate [1988]
Kid gets abused by his father while bobbing for apples (which is actually a hilarious scene) only to return years later to kill people on Halloween in a variety of ways that are represented by his costumes (i.e. solider: he shoots them. farmer: runs them over with a combine etc) This movie works conceptually, but fails technically. It's shot on that weird late 80's film...or video, you really cant tell. It's to clean looking to be film, but to dirty to be video. Either way it makes it look like shit. This thing could benefit from a rewrite and better production value. Actually if you did it as a big budget remake, it could work very well. As it stands now, way too sub pair to be taken seriously. I appreciate the effort though.
15. Open House [1987]
Dog food eating homeless psycho kills real estate agents as some sort of commentary on yuppies and the declining middle class or something like that. This movie plays out like an episode of Falcon Crest or Dynasty. It misses the mark with the nasty side of slasher films and ops to be a whodunit concentrating more on the leads (Joseph Bottoms and Adrienne Barbeau) and their love story. There are some great concepts working in this thing. The kills are strong (one in particular involving a toilet plunger and razorblades is particularly inventive) as well as the look of the killer. We just don't get enough of it in this movie. It tends to drag you through boring situations instead of dragging you through unpleasantness which is what slashers are all about. Recently it has gotten renewed interest as it appeared on Netflix instant.
14. The Redeemer (aka Class Reunion Massacre) [1978]
Not a 1980's slasher film, but most people know it as Class Reunion Massacre which was released on video in the 1980's. This movie is a glorious mess as it uses so many ideas that are never explained but all add up as whole to make a deliriously enjoyable early slasher film. A preacher is visited by a three thumbed kid who rises from a lake transferring his extra appendage which makes the preacher go on a killing spree. Sounds awesome right? Well I think so. I know you're saying "Sounds like Slaughter High" well you'd be some what right about that, but this film has it's own swerve to it. The preacher uses a number of disguises to lure and kill "sinners" at a phony class reunion. What works in this movie is it's absurdity as well as it's strange sometimes comical tone that can change on a dime into being completely creepy and serious as a heart attack (the clown killing a girl in the shower while yelling religious nonsense at her is a perfect example). A great synth score and the strange addition of the "thumbs" subplot really kick this thing into being one of the more interesting slasher films from that era. Props go to the actor (with the name none other than T.G. Finkbinder) playing the killer for his over the top and movie saving performance. A winner in my book, I don't give a shit about your book. Shit your book was probably written by Dean Koontz.
13. Horror House on Highway 5 [1985]
This movie is fucking senseless. It quite literally makes no sense. Nothing is explained nor is any of it important. That's also where most of it's charm comes from. Dip shit in a Richard Nixon mask runs around killing random people as his two retard sons prepare for his return. He suppose to be some kind of great scientist/wizard that a group of college students are studying if only to give them a reason to encounter the retarded sons or the killer himself. What works in this movie is it ridiculous dialog and concepts (one of the sons philosophizes while maggots pour from his head). I don't know what the fuck is going on and I don't really care. The source music keeps the pace moving and the kills are fairly well shot and are appropriately grisly (the open scene of a girl slicing her hand up with a piece of broken glass for protection for example). This is lunacy at it's best. I don't know if they set out to make a serious movie or not, but they created a perfect cult film experience...if it wasn't so annoying at times. Check it out for yourself. You haven't seen anything like this ever.
12. Amsterdamned [1988]
Apart from having the most hilarious film title in history, this movie doesn't have much going for it. People end up dead as a killer stalks the canals of the city famous for whores and weed smoking tourist. It honestly plays more like a cop drama than a slasher film but made the list anyway because I just like saying Amsterdamned. It does have tons of cop style "action" and the greatest slasher in history, a guy wearing scuba gear and swim fins. Just the idea that a guy who walks like a duck (not sounds like a duck, that would be New York Ripper) killing people is fucking hilarious. How can you not get away from him? Just push his wobbly ass over and run. Not great cinema, but made the list for a great title and dumb fucking concept. From the director of BOTH of the possessed killer elevator movies, Dick Maas. Yeah it ain't North American but it's fucking called Amsterdamned! I had to include it...Amsterdamned, I had say it again.
11. Killer Party (aka Fools Night, aka Fools Party, aka April Fools) [1986]
This movie simply has no idea what it wants to be, which is apparent with it's two count them TWO movie within a movie opening sequences. Girls pledging a sorority get more than they bargain for when a ghost crashes their party. This thing is equal parts college comedy, slasher film and exorcist clone. They try to bridge three genres together and end up separating their entire audience. It just has too many starts and stops for anyone to find it engaging. The deaths are relatively bloodless and edited, while they earn the award for second dumbest slasher with guy in diving helmet. It's just not scary nor is it funny. I will give it this, the zombie themed music video at the beginning is the 1980's personified. The sad thing is, you wish this really was the movie instead of it being the fake out that it is. It's probably the best shot and edited scene in the film, which begs the question, "What the fuck are you doing?" And that's when you receive the answer, "I really have no idea." This movie was written by Barney Cohen (Friday the 13th part 4), directed by William Fruet (Funeral Home, Spasms) and has the worst theme music used in horror film history "These Are the Best Times." Watch it if you are interested in the 1980's being vomited into your face. Lucifer Valentine I'm talking to you.
10. Killer Workout (aka Aerobicide) [1987]
Ah christ, not the Prior brothers again. I've got to stop pissing God off. He really knows how to fuck you in the ass at the end of the day. That's right the Priors make their second entry on the list with this 1987 pseudo slasher movie, this time set in a health spa. Chick get's burned to death in a tanning bed and years later people start to die in horrible ways, namely stabbed with a large safety pin. This plot was handled better in the much superior Death Spa. Where as that movie had tons of gore and a goofy plot (Ken Foree doesn't hurt either), this movie again plays out like a whodunit (I'll give you a hint, David Prior has seen Sleepaway Camp). Ted doesn't manage to keep his shirt on this time either, which I'm sure was the whole point in setting it in a health club. At least this thing was shot on film and plays out like the lost episode of T.J. Hooker. The Prior's continued to make movies through out the years. Whether they be action, drama or horror, Ted always would lose his shirt. Damn those slippery things. Lame, very lame.
9. Destroyer [1988]
Not sure why a jackhammer needs laser sights and a scope, neither did the film makers as he only uses a regular jackhammer once in this fucking thing. This one falls into the late 80's category of executed and no returned from the dead slasher genre. Which is kind of a lie. Unlike Shocker and The Horror Show, the chair doesn't even kill the dude. Like the poster says, it just gave him a buzz. Lyle Alzado plays serial killer/rapist Ivan Moser, who on the night of his execution jumps the chair only to stalk the now abandoned prison halls waiting to prey on the film crew that is shooting the new Linda Blair and Sybil Danning showering opus. Not particularly gory nor interesting. Though it is kinda fun seeing Lyle Alzado go fucking bat shit giggling the whole movie while slicing and dicing. Anthony Perkins does his best to not laugh his ass off through every shot he's in, while Deborah Foreman provides the eye candy. This one is primarily lost to time, but with technology being the way it is, I'm sure it will pop up streaming on Netflix or on a mass market crap DVD soon enough. Maybe this movie is why God gave Alzado the brain cancer...yeah I'm going to hell for that one.
8. Terror on Tour [1980]
From the same shitheads that brought you the terrible Home Sweet Home comes this story about "What if KISS really were evil?" The band The Clowns (which I assure you are a bunch of fucking clowns) are the darlings of the teen audience and experience a bit of a hiccup when someone in Clown's make-up starts killing drug dealers, groupies and drug dealing groupies. Was it a member of the band, the adoring roadie or maybe the head of the parents group that want them off the stage? Do you really care? I don't. This movie has a million red herrings and when the killer is revealed you practically forgot he was even a character. This film tries so hard to comment on the current state of pop culture and falls flat on it's face faster than Ace Freely after a bottle of Jack. I guess the next question you have is "Well, what's better? This or Rocktober Blood?" Neither. They both suck a bag of dicks. If I had a gun to my head (and I do so someone please call the police!) I would have to say...ah Rocktober Blood I guess. Mainly because it's goofier and the music is just a tad better. So yeah. It's a movie.
7. The Ripper [1985]
More shit for the shot on video market. Don't believe the lies on the box about Tom Savini being the Ripper. Yes, Savini is in the movie and he is the Ripper, but for about 5 minutes right at the end. He was on set for maybe a day. The idea of the movie involves a balding college professor who comes into contact with a antique ring that used to belong to Spring Heal Jack. When he puts on the ring, he get's possessed and starts to kill people. There is tons of blood in this movie, but that's just it, blood. It never gets gory nor very interesting. The movie, scratch that; the video looks like shit. It reminds me of garbage like Woodchipper Massacre or local car commercials. They attempt to do some period style dream sequences that end up looking like they visited the Ole Tyme Photo kiosk in their local mall. Tom can't save anything when he pops in for the final scene wearing yellow contact lenses for no other reason then it makes him look creepy. I'll give you my entire set of Kubrick DVDs if you can set through this thing and not fast forward. I fucking dare you. I triple dog dare you mother fucker! This movie might as well have been made by Al Adamson. Where was he anyway? He wasn't buried under concrete yet. I want dates and alibis.
6. Honeymoon Horror [1980]
The owner of a weekend getaway island burns her husband to death because she's a lousy cheating bitch. A year later, she reopens it with her dumb male lover and her handyman that could give Shriek of the Mutilated's Laughing Crow a run for his money. . A bunch of sorority girls are getting married and stay on the island. You don't have to be Poirot to figure out where this shit is going. What does work are the characters. Most of the sorority babes (and I use the term "babes" loosely) and their new hubbys pretty distinct personalities. You still confuse them left and right, but for the most part they are not just a carbon copy of one another. This is another poor example of apeing Friday the 13th and basically has the same sets. Lots of spooky woods and cabins are they stars of this film as it sure ain't the terrible actors that crap out pointless dialog. The killer hides and watches behind bushes like so many other of these films tend to do. Where they trip up is constantly showing the killers burned and mangled hands really killing any sort of suspense of who the killer is. You are primarily just waiting for this guy to ultimately put the hatchet into his miserable cheating wife's head (a decent scene of gore). They build sympathy for him in the beginning but loose all of it when he kills the relatively blameless college kids. You've seen this movie time and time again. The kills aren't anything special and make you long for Madman Marz to show up. Apart from this amazing vhs box artwork this movie should have been lost in time like so many Christopher Reeves.
5. Twisted Nightmare [1987]
Made in 1982 but not released until 1987, if that tells you anything. Shot on the same set as Friday the 13th 3D, and that's not the only thing it has in common with Friday. A bunch of "teens" go back to their old camp and start to be picked off one by one by the retarded kid they used to poke fun at back in the day. Sounding similar? The kid was basically Joey from Friday 5, but in this one he is burned horribly and it was even on an old Indian burial ground. Holy shit did they throw every horror cliche at this one. It never really picks itself up off the ground. You think with all these cliches it would be the ultimate experience in horror...or a gigantic mess. I vote gigantic mess. The burn make up makes him look more like Leatherface than Cropsy, but his costuming is pretty cool especially for the time period. I this had to had more to do with Columbine than the Matrix or Marilyn Manson ever did. The murders happen mostly off screen so that tends to devalue this as a horror film. It really ends up being more stalk than slash. Possibly the most annoying group of slasher fodder teens you've ever seen in a horror film. Mullets abound in this movie.
4. The Prey [1984]
By far this movie has the best poster tagline in screen history. "It's not human, and it's got and axe." Well sorry, to burst your bubble, but it is human. He does have that axe though, so there can be truth in advertising. Back in the day there was a forest fire that burned a bunch of gypsies in cave. One survived and years later it strikes back a bunch of campers. Wow, in the early 80's they really didn't bother to come up with any plots. They tried to come up with an original back story for the killer or monster, but beyond that they really just didn't give a shit. The campers are just that. The characters are boring and really have no purpose to go on living. It's not like one of them was going to grow up to be President one day. Although most of them do have the personality of a young college aged George W Bush, sans the coke addiction. They are literally just there to be menaced and to be lopped off one by one. This one is no different. You feel as if you've seen this movie before, and you really have. The two points in this movie that make it any different from any other movie is when they reveal the killer at the end (which looks like a cross between the Lady Frankenstein creature and the pinhead from The Brain that Wouldn't Die) and when the park ranger tells a really bad joke...to a deer. Even he doesn't find it funny. That fucker has a screw loose, but mutant man does try to fix it as he's choking the life out of him. The movie does earn some respect for killing primarily all of the cast As boring as they come. You'll be looking for something else to do. Anything. Go cook some dinner for your wife or something. If you're not going to I will. What would you like sweety?
3. House of Death (aka Death Screams) [1982]
This movie was, funnily enough, directed by one of Ozzie and Harriet's kids who was trying to make a break from his goody goody...well Ozzie and Harriet style lifestyle. This is your A typical 80's slasher movie with really no wit at all. This movie takes a good long while to get going. It starts with two simultaneous bloodless murders on a train track and stalls like Knightrider 2000 after that. This movie is absolutely enamored with the county fair that's come to town. We spend a good portion of our time on the Tilt A Whirl and the pedafiliac kissing booth. It really starts to give you fits remembering the horror that is Carnival of Blood. Plus, I don't think I've ever seen older "teens" in a horror film in my life. Pretty positive I saw one of their AARP cards drop out of their wallet in one scene. And I shit you not, one of them has a pronounced bald spot. They try to establish the horror film retard as a red herring, but you never believe a bit of it as he seems way to into his toy trains to ever pic up a machete. Plus they never even tell you what happens to Corky. The teens finally decide to get up to horror movie hi jinx at the cemetery 50 minutes in. That's where this thing really picks up it's pace faster than Prefontaine (I just wish it had his sweet mustache). The kills start to get pretty damned graphic with some beheadings and a chick getting cut in half. It seems like all the kills in this happen in about a 10 minute blistering period as well. Why couldn't the whole movie be this balls out action? Really abrasive musical score that seems more at home on an episode of the 1960's Batman show than in an 80's slasher movie. Probably the only slasher film where the lead villain dies due to his own dumbassery...that and the cop blowing his head off after he is already dead. Great police work there Kojak.
2. Silent Madness 3D [1984]
Made in the 1980's 3D boom, Silent Madness is only that, a 3D movie (and not even good 3D). A Dr. (ahem) Krueger is trying to cut down on overcrowding at the mental ward accidentally releasing serial killer Howard Johns to wreak his 3D brand of havoc on a bunch of sorority girls. The funny thing about this movie is the amount of actors from other horror films it has in it. You have Ronnie and Meg from Sleepaway Camp as well as hard working slasher girl Elizabeth Kaitan appearing in this picture. Which is actually very apt as this movie seems like a hodgepodge of other slasher movies. It's kinda like 20 great slasher hits from days past. The kills are never inventive while lead Belinda Montgomery stares into the camera with a look on her face as if she's just shit her pants at Denny's. It doesn't take long for the thing to get going, but the "what went wrong" subplot keeps wanting to drag you down keeping this thing at a snails pace. Sydney Lassick shows up, not demanding his cigarettes for once, as the town sheriff (check his house for basement dwelling retards please). The 3D in this movie sucks with it's best gag being a cartoon hatchet thrown right at the camera. This has to be the biggest waste of 3D since Parasite 3D. They didn't shoot it like a 3D movie, never once taking advantage of the scope 3D can bring to a film. It's just an occasional gag with something being thrown at the camera. It's the kinda film that spelled the death of 1980's slashers. No real story to speak of, just fodder to get to the murders which again aren't much to write home (if you grew up in my fucked up house) about. Why the fuck do they keep going in the basement!
1. Hauntedween [1991]
There's a reason you've never heard of this 1991 slasher film as I'm pretty sure only 2000 copies were available for rental at select gas stations around America. This Kentucky made movie was a pet project by a bunch of radio/tv graduates from Western Kentucky University. The director wanted to prove that you can make movies in Kentucky. This movie proves nothing. The story concerns a family owned haunted house where the son accidentally kills a young girl. Years later, a fraternity needs to make a bill payment and decide to open the supposedly cursed haunted house to make money. Guess who shows up? Michael Myers! Okay so it's not Myers, but damn close. The kid from the past returns on Halloween night wearing a variety of cheap jack Dollar Store Halloween masks to kill all the annoying college kids. The trick here is all the visitors seem to think it's all part of the haunted house attraction, that is until one guy runs in and say's "This ain't part of the haunted house, it's real!" I don't know why they all of a sudden listen to the least creditable character in the movie, but they do. Full of some of the worst acting I've seen in movies period. Hauntedween will go down in history as being one of the most generic and poorly put together slasher films ever. A good example of it's cheap quality is the baseball bat death where one character gets his head knocked off with one clean non-abrasive strike. Christ even the neck stub looks like the head was removed with a scalpel. The villain is ultimately dispatched with a flamethrower and a car wreck. Where these college kids got their mitts on a flamethrower is beyond me. This one wins the award for the least sympathetic most annoying characters. There's a reason you don't set movies in Kentucky, people want to see white trash die. With the exception of the lead actress some of the most non-erotic nudity in filmdom. They all look like they're on day twelve of a six day meth binge. The character, who I believe is named Hanks, is the worst character ever bar fucking none. He's suppose to be the wacky fun frat guy and only succeeds in alienating the entire audience with his forced southern accent. He thinks he's Joe Bob Briggs...he is no Joe Bob. You want him dead after the first line he speaks. You wait and wait for him to finally get his comeuppance. You want it to be so painful. You want him to beg and plead for his life, if only you didn't have to hear his grating voice again. Pull out his fucking tongue! I want his fucking face turned into cube stake! The sad thing is for once I want all these things to happen to the actual actor...and the fucker lives! The only guy you care to see die ends up being the fucking hero! The one mother fucker that lives! Way to just shit on the audience. Die mother fucker die! They took away the only joy I had while watching this. The one thing I wanted to see, and they stole it from me. I cry death at the makers of this film! Death I tells you.
